Want Sex? Should You Be Honest?
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In this post, I am going to give you my view on how to deal with the issue of sex and dating. My advice is targeted specifically for guys (actually, for girls as well) who know that they are not necessarily ready to marry or to be in a committed relationship, but who still want to explore their sexuality.
Before I go any farther, please read this short disclaimer. I think sex is a beautiful and sacred thing that is meant for two people who love each other. Sex is not inherently sinful, bad, or wrong, nor, for that matter, is it necessarily always beautiful, sacred, or good. Sex between a prostitute and a client is not sacred, nor is it necessarily beautiful. But sex between a husband and wife who love each other can be the ultimate expression of a sacred physical, emotional, and spiritual union. Having said that, if you know you are not ready for a relationship or to get married and you decide to have sex, here is some advice that I think you can benefit from.
I wish someone would have been there to give me this advice when I was younger, as it would have prevented much heartache and many headaches. While I was growing up, I remember hanging out with my basketball friends. We were all just turning 17 or 18, and our hormones were running wild. Basically, all of us guys knew that if we wanted to have any kind of bedroom action with a girl, we would have to convince her that we actually cared for her and wanted to have a more serious relationship.
Truthfully, most of the time, we were well aware that this was not so true. We did not really want to have any kind of serious relationship. On the one hand, we really did want to have sex, but on the other hand, we surely did not want to commit. So there we were with our dilemma. We knew that if we told little white lies, we would be able to have sex, but then by doing so we knew we would not really feel good about ourselves for having lied to or hurt someone. But to have said that sex was not that important, or to have tried to convince ourselves that the girls’ feelings were more important than our own desires, would really have been dishonest.
So, what sometimes ended up happening was that my friends and I simply made it easy for ourselves and we did what we thought would be best – we lied to get the girl into bed with us. Other times, some of us ended up in more serious long-term relationships, often just to continue having sex or to allay the guilt of breaking up with the girl.
Ironically, none of us ever thought of being completely honest. It was not until later in life that I realized that honesty is actually the best policy. Through my own experience, I have learned that no matter what you do it is actually best to always be completely honest about yourself as well as to communicate about your feelings honestly to others. What do I mean by this?
You’ve gone out with a girl once or several times. You find that you are physically attracted to her, but you know that you are not ready to commit to a serious relationship. So, you simply tell her the truth: “Hey, I have really enjoyed spending time with you. I just want you to know that I am not ready for any kind of serious relationship right now, but I find myself physically very attracted to you.”
By hearing the truth, she now has couple of options. She knows that if she wants something more serious, she should look elsewhere. If she feels that part of her would not mind having fun without any strings attached, she also now knows that she can now proceed to explore those feelings.
If she wants to continue the relationship, she may ask what you mean by your statement. If she does, you have to be as honest as possible and explain that you don’t feel ready to commit to a relationship, but that you find her very attractive and would not mind exploring this attraction. Make sure to explain clearly that if she would want to have sex with you, she should not expect or hope for any kind of commitment, and if she should choose to want to explore this attraction she would be doing so only for physical pleasure.
This way, if both of you choose to have sex, you have done so with open, mutual understanding. Similarly, either one of you should have the right to terminate at any point, without any further commitment. It takes maturity to learn to become completely honest with yourself. However, it takes even more maturity to be able to communicate your feelings with honesty to others. But the end result of this honesty is that, no matter what happens, you will feel better about yourself and, at the same time, will have shown respect for the other party.
The unfortunate reality is that most people lie to themselves and to others. Often we don’t even realize that we are lying to ourselves or to others. Inevitably, we end up being hurt or hurting others. Often, you intuitively sense that you should not trust this guy or girl, but you decide to trust anyway and end up paying a serious price. Other times, you know you should not be doing what you are doing and end up feeling guilty or ashamed. But as you’ve certainly heard before, the truth shall set us free. And that is really true. By becoming honest, you will free yourself to live and enjoy life to its fullest. Of course, if you do decide to take this advice make sure, by quoting the beer commercials, to use it responsible.
What many reading this may not realize is that today we live in different times than we did before. The advent of the birth control pill brought about a sexual revolution. Many women today want to explore their sexuality, often just as much or even more than men do. It used to be that women rarely had sex for pleasure. They had to be much more careful with whom and when they had sex. Women even used sex to try to get a man to like them or to stay with them. Well, like it or not, the times have changed. Women are exploring their sexuality and enjoying sex probably more today than ever before. Although, women may, of course, still have sex just to try to attract or keep a man, more and more women are also exploring sex purely for their own enjoyment also.
Today, women just like men, can choose to have sex without having to commit to a serious relationship. This was much more difficult to do in the past when women had to be much more careful about getting pregnant. This change does not mean women have become more immoral; it’s really that times have changed and our views about sexual relationships have changed with it. After all, if men have been enjoying sex for centuries without being called immoral, why should that not be true for women?
Again, I don’t want you to misconstrue all of this and conclude that I am advocating for everyone to have sex before marriage or before committing to a loving relationship. I am not. As I said before, I think sex between two people who love each other is the ideal. If you feel like you should wait until marriage to have sex, then you should wait. Whatever you do my advice is always ultimately to follow your heart. Only you know what is right for you. What I am really saying here is that if you do choose to have sex before having a serious relationship, just be honest about it all.
Being honest about where you are in life will help you create and maintain honest relationships. While I strongly believe in taking the time to get to know each other well before rushing towards intimacy, I also understand that not everyone who is looking for physical intimacy is ready or mature enough for a serious, committed relationship. Being honest will simply leave you feeling better about yourself.
I hope this advice has been helpful. Leave your comments, feedback, thoughts, or questions by clicking the comment tab right below the headline of this article. Be honest, and tell me what you think.
Sincerely,
Mikko Kemppe
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