Dating: Women, Are You Sure You Are Not Unknowingly Turning Him Off?
Read the full version of the advice below!
You have finally met that really great guy. He has asked you out and you have agreed for him to pick you up at your place. Tonight is your first date. You are all excited about it, and maybe a little nervous. You want to make a great impression.
He comes, picks you up, and takes you to a comedy show at the local movie theatre. On the way, you make some small talk and you guys seem to really hit it off. Both of you are having a great time. You order some popcorn, a few drinks, and find comfortable seats. You sit down and wait for the movie to start.
So far, so good.
However, it turns out that the movie he picked was not really that good. In fact, there were only a couple of scenes where both of you laughed. In your mind, you think, ‘Oh well, what a bummer,’ but you don’t really mind because at least you are in great company. You notice that both of you are really just waiting for the movie to end.
The movie finishes and now you are walking back to the car. Your date says with a little reservation, “So, what did you think about the movie?” You are excited that the movie has finally ended and that you are back having a conversation with your man. Now, should you honestly tell him how bad the movie was? NO!!
A big mistake many women make on a first date that often unknowingly turns the guy off, is not concentrating on what is positive about the date. I would never suggest that you lie, but it is very important to understand the way you might be interpreted by your guy and how you may be turning him off. So let me give you some pointers about how to improve your communication skills with men.
“What’s the big deal about sharing what you did not like about the movie?” you ask. Trust me, it can be a big deal.
Understand that men can be sensitive. Yes, that’s true. They may never admit it, but, in fact, they can sometimes really be as sensitive as girls, but in a different way. The truth is that us guys, whether you like it or not, tend to take credit for everything☺. If we sense that you are happy, we think it is because of something we did. If we sense that you are unhappy or do not like something, we think it is somehow our fault too.
So, when a guy takes you out to a movie and you explain why you really enjoyed it and describe the funny parts, on some level he will feel as if he actually made the scene happen himself. He feels like you are actually laughing at his jokes. When he sees you happy and having a good time he feels more bonded to you. He starts to feel more confident that he has what it takes to make you happy. He even starts to like you more. Remember, ultimately men just want to make you happy. And when a movie has made you happy, he takes full credit for it.
On the flip side, when you share, or—even worse—complain about the things you did not like about a movie, or your meal, or any other aspect of your date, he feels that he has failed. He starts to feel less confident and less bonded to you. He may not even understand his own reaction, but subconsciously he may start to like you less. So, as you can see, guys can be very sensitive about the way you react to their attempts to make you happy.
And ironically, the smaller the negative detail you are sharing, the more sensitive he may be about it. This is especially true if you have just started dating, because at that point, he is really giving you his very best to make you happy and to show you a good time. If he feels that he has failed even in the smallest way, he may feel that there is no point in trying to go further. He will feel that he just doesn’t have what it takes to make you happy. He may even be asking himself how can he possibly make you happy with all the stresses of married or family life in the future, if he fails to make you happy even on this small occasion?
So, how do you not turn off the man you are dating? When he says “what did you think about the movie,” while you know you really did not like it, this is what you do: Pause and take some time to consider your response carefully. You don’t have to lie, but try really hard to find something positive to say. It is always possible to find something positive to say about anything. For example, you can try something like this: “Remember that scene where the frog fell into the hole? I thought that was so funny.” Then leave it at that.
If he sees that you had to stop and think about something positive to say, trust me, he will know that you probably did not like the movie. By being sensitive to his feelings in this way, you will give him the chance to save his face and change the subject to something more positive. And if you are able to do this at times when he is most vulnerable, like on a romantic date, I promise you will score big points and become very attractive in his eyes.
Now, I don’t want you to understand all this to mean that you can never share any of your negative thoughts or feelings on a date. But I just want you to become more aware of the way guys are sensitive because this will improve your communication skills. After all, you would want a guy to be sensitive to your feelings too, right? For example, if on your first date you would ask his opinion about the dress you are wearing, and if in all honesty he really did not like it, you would not want him to blurt out: “Well, it looks like that dress kind of sags from your waist down. I am not sure that you should be wearing it.” Instead, if before answering, he stopped, looked at you thoughtfully, and said: “I love how the color green looks on you and how it matches your pretty eyes,” I am sure you would appreciate much more that he took the effort to find something positive to say. ☺
Guys love a woman with a smile. Why? Because we take credit for that smile. By remembering to concentrate on the positive, you will be on your way to dating success. And if you allow him to first see your most positive self, I promise you will have plenty of time to honestly share your less positive experiences later. Meanwhile, leave the full disclosure conversations for those times that you spend with your girlfriends.
Wishing you much dating success,
Mikko Kemppe
