The Real Reason Women Are Often Not Attracted To “Nice Guys”
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Okay, so you are nice, caring, sensitive, and a polite guy. You have gone out with this woman who has also been your very good friend. You two have always had a great time. You feel that both of you have opened up about your feelings and you really like her.
But when you have tried to become more intimate with her, you have heard something like this: “You’re such a nice guy, I would rather just be your friend.”
“What is wrong here? Why isn’t she attracted to me?” you wonder. You know that you are such a nice guy. You do all of the right things that a man is supposed to do – you take her out to eat; you offer to pay for the meal; and you are polite, respectful, and always caring. You have opened up to her about your feelings, and listened to her talk about her feelings as well. She might even have complained about her ex-boyfriend or husband for being such a jerk. Yet you are confused because she is not interested in dating you, even though you are so nice!
Yes, this can be confusing. But let me help you understand one of the common mistakes “nice guys” often make. First of all, the truth is that women do like nice guys. After all, I have never heard any women say: “Oh, I am so excited, I am marrying such a jerk.” ☺ Of course not. It is usually only after some time in the relationship, often through unfortunate misunderstandings, and also because we men often unknowingly are being jerks to women, that men get to be called that.
Because women often say to nice guys that they would just rather be friends, it is easy to mistakenly assume that the reason she does not want to date you or is not attracted to you is because you are nice. Well, believe it or not, more often than not this is just not true.
Let me explain. What has happened is that over the last thirty years many women have complained about men not being sensitive or willing to share their feelings. Unfortunately, the result of this has been that more and more guys have decided to become sensitive, caring guys by opening up too much about their vulnerable feelings. And it’s the “nice guys” who have, time and again, fallen into this pit.
So, if you as a guy share too much of your vulnerable feelings with women what will likely happen is that you will easily become even more vulnerable and sensitive. This can be a big turn-off for women. As soon as a woman starts to feel that she has to console you and care too much about your feelings, you have put her into the mothering mode. The consequence of this is that you have now become yet another child or pet for her to take care of and all of her sexual feelings towards you have dissipated, as I am sure you can imagine. While some women may encourage you to share more of your feelings, since they always feel good about being there for you and supporting you, in reality, if you become too sensitive, it will be very hard for her to maintain a sexual attraction to you.
This may sometimes happen unconsciously to women. They may not even honestly be able to pinpoint why there is no attraction, but now you know why. By realizing that when women say they want a sensitive, nice guy, what they really mean is that they want someone with whom they feel comfortable and safe to share their own feelings. When a woman feels safe enough to share her feelings without having to worry about hurting you or about you taking anything personally, she will suddenly find you very attractive. So, it is not that she does not want a sensitive, nice guy, but what she does want is a guy who will be sensitive and “nice” with her feelings.
The reason she said to you: “You are such a nice guy, I would rather be your friend,” was so that she would not hurt you. The more she has to worry about your feelings, the less she can explore her own.
So, if you are one of these nice, sensitive guys who likes to share feelings, my advice to you is simply to toughen up ☺. This does not mean that you still cannot be nice. But realize that the reason many women are often attracted to men who appear to be jerks is because even if these men do not really respect her, at least she does not have to worry about hurting his feelings. So, while it is good to be nice, it is important that you don’t appear to be “nicer” than the woman. A woman’s self-esteem is often tied to being nice. If you appear to be nicer than she is, it becomes harder for her to maintain her self-esteem.
Again, let me clarify, this does not mean that you shouldn’t be nice to women. Being nice and respectful is always very attractive. But what you don’t want to do is share too much of your vulnerable feelings or your worries with your date or the woman that you are trying to win over. If you do have some worries or vulnerable feelings, share them with your guy friends, with a therapist, or with your mother, where they belong. By doing this you will ensure that you are primarily there for her to make it save for her to share her feelings.
Of course, if you are in a committed relationship, it is fine to share some of your vulnerable feelings with your partner every now and then, as long as you remember that the more you can be there for her, the more intimate she will feel with you, and the more you will ensure that the romantic attraction and passion in your relationship will last.
I commend you for being a nice and caring guy. Nice guys don’t have to finish last. I hope this insight will help you as much as it has helped me, and I wish you much success in your romantic relationships,
Mikko Kemppe
