09 July 2009 ~ Comments

Mikko, How Do I Make Sure I Don’t Just End Up Dumped After Sexless Dates?

Dating Tips For Men Dating and Sex Readers Relationship Questions

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Question from Arizona Dater:

Mikko,

I agree with a lot of your advice to women, but something you don’t consider is how a guy is going to feel when he gets dumped before he has a chance to have sex with his girl. The more I have invested in a girl, the more I want to have sex with her.

My worst dating nightmare is doing everything I can to make a woman happy for two months and then finding out she’s never going to sleep with me. If I knew for a fact that she wasn’t going to break up with me and we would have sex in two or three months, that would be okay. But how do I know she’s not going to reject me before we get to that point? There are no guarantees, after all.

Hi Arizona Dater!

Thank you for your great question. Indeed, you’re right. I have not addressed how a guy is going to feel when he gets dumped before having sex with his girl. The short answer is that you’ll feel really shitty and totally like a fool. :)

Your nightmare is to do everything right, to take her out on dates, to pay for her meals, to call and let her know you are thinking about her, and to always be polite and caring, etc. But after few months and no sex, she ends up saying something like: “I really like you, but I would just rather be friends.” Did I got it right?

You are right, there are no guarantees. And a big mistake that a lot of nice, caring guys make is to make the woman they are dating the center of their life and their only source of happiness. There is a big difference in being a nice, caring guy, and being a “needy” guy. All of the women intuitively understand the difference. A “needy” guy can be a big turn-off for women. Believe me, you don’t want to fall into that category. To make sure that doesn’t happen, read my article: The Real Reason Women Are Often Not Attracted To “Nice Guys”. And if you want to understand the woman’s point of view, go read a fun and great column that my dear friend Lauren Gray wrote: He’s Clingy And I am Not Attracted To Him Anymore.

So, to prevent your nightmare from happening, this is what I suggest: Make sure your life is filled with friends, hobbies, school, work, and spirituality, and concentrate on dating lots of different girls for fun before getting too attached or committed to any particular one. If you want to have sex, but are not ready to commit, or are not looking for a serious relationship, make sure to read my article: Guys, What You Should Know Before Having Sex In An Uncommitted Relationship.

By having a full life and by creating positive dating experiences you will be sure not to become too attached to one particular person or outcome. Also, the more you understand about women and dating, the more confidence you will gain, and the more you will able to move forward with confidence. Then, once you have found the “one and only,” you will have developed the patience and confidence to make your dream scenario come true.

Thanks again for your great question, and I wish you much success.

Mikko Kemppe


Hey, now that you have taken the time to read my article, please take a little more a make sure to leave me a comment below :) or take a look at some of my other articles here!

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  • sheila chan
    Good day Mikko,

    I have a follow-up query for this post: I believe that the ladies are equally looking forward to one day sharing complete intimacy with a man whom they find sincerely special. However, they face a formidable walk in the tightrope - between (1)waiting to have sex until they become comfortable enough to believe he won’t perform the vanishing act afterwards & (2)waiting so long that he mistakenly assumes that the woman simply has no special attraction and chemistry towards him?

    How should women convey their geniune interest to a man and at the same time politely ask some time before getting physical? Seeing someone special to us and spending time with them is truly a wonderful experience. And personally, I believe men wanting sex is equally valid and important. It is among their profound instruments to bond and feel love. But how can one tell that he is more that just fun to be with and deserving of a cookie?

    Thank you in advance & more power!
  • Hi Sheila,

    Thanks for your great question. I think you might have already read some of my views regarding your question on my other article:"Do Men Just Want Sex?"The walk may indeed sometimes seem formidable :), and to make it easier this is what I would advice.

    First of all, realize that if your man is genuinely interested and attracted to you sometimes he might want the occasion to special just as much as you would. Some men actually, ironically, may also feel pressure to perform sexually and may sometimes even be happily relieved that you want to wait so both of you can get more comfortable and get to know each other first.

    Secondly, as I shortly explained in the article, as long as you clearly convey to him that he is making you happy and you really enjoy spending time with him, it is safe to say no to his advances as long as you do it in away that does not make him feel wrong for wanting to have sex. In other words, when he is making moves to go all the way, you can simply say something like: "Hey Peter, I am really having fun and I am beginning to like you more and more and I would just like to take it slowly, would you mind if we waited until we go all the way?" If he says that he does not want to wait, for example: "No, I would really like to go all of the way, I just find you so attractive, I can't help my-self". At this point, if you know that you want to wait, it is important that you simply repeat what you want, for example: "I know you want it, I don't blame you :), part of me would really want to too, but I really just want to wait, I just need some more time". This is just one example of a conversation, and sometimes you might want to also take a firmer approach depending on the situation.

    But the general idea that I wanted to convey in this example is that as long as you communicate that you are having a fun time with him and feel attraction toward him and don't make him feel wrong for wanting to have sex, if he is genuinely interested and attracted to you he should not leave you just because you want more time before having sex. And if he did leave you, that is a good sign that sex was probably all he was after anyway, and so if you were looking for a more serious relationship, it was probably good that you found that out early.

    Furthermore, waiting for the passion and attraction to grow in this way will often only make the foundation for your relationship stronger and be a win-win situation for both of you. Good luck to you and thanks again for your great question!
  • sheila chan
    Hello Mikko,

    Thank you for taking time to respond and for showing concern to a lot of women who sharing my opinion. On my personal encounter, when I negotiated to wait, my man assured me that he understands where I am coming from and that I deserve to take care of myself and decide on my own when to engage in it. I figured there are still lots of great men these days who also do a version of their waiting: waiting for their special someone to love them, want them and also desire them. I believe great men love sex, for beyond pleasures it brings, it breaks barriers and serves as one of their languages to communicate what they can not put into words.

    Mikko, you must be one of them too.
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