Mikko, How Do I Get Over From Missing My Boyfriend?
Question from “Still In Love”:
Mikko, I have been in a relationship for a while, and now, my boyfriend and I have decided to take a “break.” But I find myself missing this person very much even though I know that it won’t work between us. Would you elaborate on how to end a relationship even though one still has feelings for the other person? How do you really move on and is it really possible to be friends afterward?
-Still In Love, San Francisco, CA
Dear Still in Love,
First of all, I identify with your pain. It is a totally normal reaction to miss a person even if you already know that things are not going to work out for the two of you. There have been times when I have broken up with someone, and even though I already knew she was not for me, I still missed her very much and many times wanted to be with her.
But, having said that, how do you really move on? The first step is to realize that when we are breaking up or divorcing, our minds always moves faster than our hearts; our mind is ready to move on, while our heart is still attached. This can often make us feel very confused and interfere with the process of healing from the breakup. In our minds we say things like: “I just need to move on,” I can’t just keep on missing him/her,” “I need to snap out of this, why I am still missing him/her,” or “don’t worry, enough is enough, it is time to move on.”
To properly heal from a breakup it is important that you don’t suppress painful feelings. For more about how to grieve over the loss of a loved one, and to avoid this common mistake of suppressing feelings, make sure to read: “How To Grieve For The Loss Of A Loved One: Learn The One Big Mistake You Don’t Want To Make.”
The second step to letting go is to become aware of your internal talk. The more you become aware of this, the more power you will gain to change it. Once you realize that you are really the author of your own self-talk, it becomes much easier to change it.
Being attached to and missing someone is a beautiful thing. Attachment in and of itself is wonderful. It is very healthy to become attached to places where you can receive love. However, attachment can easily become unhealthy when you become attached to places where you cannot give or receive love. So, the third step to letting go is to realize that it is not a particular person that you are attached to, but in reality you are attached to the love and good feeling which that person provided. Once you realize this, you will see that there are many other sources of love around you. In fact, sources of love abound; we just don’t always see them!
When our minds and hearts are closed to love, no matter how much love surrounds us, we will be incapable of giving or receiving any.
We miss someone because that person provided a source of love in our lives, and now he or she is gone. So, the fourth step to letting go and moving on is to realize that now you are free to look elsewhere for love. By opening yourself up to new dates and by learning to create positive dating experiences you will once again strengthen your ability to find love. The more you are able to create positive dating experiences, the more positive and loved you will begin to feel. This optimism and love is like a magnet, and will attract even more love and positive experiences. To help you create great dating experiences, make sure to read the section on dating tips for women.
And finally, it is important to recognize that good endings make good beginnings. While it may not always be possible to remain friends, it is always possible for you to wish the other person well from a place of love. As I say in my article: “How To Deal With Painful Divorce or Break-Up: Understanding When Love Is Not Enough” it is only from a place of love that you can truly know whether someone is the right one for you. If your heart is closed and you harbor negative feelings for someone in your past, it becomes very hard for you to open your heart to someone else in the future. So, make sure you take the time to heal your heart so that you can find that love with someone once again.
It is important to realize that oftentimes painful experiences come into our lives to help us get in touch with some of our unresolved feelings from the past so that we can learn important life lessons and grow as individuals. Whenever we become stuck in negative feelings for longer than 30 minutes, it is usually a clear indication that our present feelings are unrelated to our current situation or partner. Subconsciously, our brain is remembering negative feelings from a time when our brain was incapable of dealing with them. The way to process these feelings is beyond this article, but I will soon have a free e-book that teaches how to recognize when something from the past is controlling us and how we can easily process these feelings and master our emotions.
Until then, I wish you lots of love, happiness, and great relationships.
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