Why Are Women Often Attracted To “Bad Guys”?
You’ve heard it and seen it before: Women are attracted to “bad” guys. When I think of a bad guy, this is what I see: someone rugged, with long hair, wearing dark sunglasses and a black leather jacket, sitting on top of a Harley. What is it about these guys that attracts women? These guys may seem like complete jerks, yet they’ll always have a good-looking girl beside them. If you are a woman reading this article, maybe you’re with one of these guys right now!
So, what is it about these guys? Well, first of all, women are not attracted to these guys because of their “badness”; they’re attracted to what these guys represent, and that is a guy with a lot of confidence. It often takes a lot of confidence to break away from the mold and not let other people’s negative judgments hold you down.
It is always much more comfortable to say and do what society expects. So, what women are often attracted to in bad guys is their apparent confidence – that part of every man that says, “I don’t let anyone hold me down, I have what it takes to give you the ride of your lifetime.” When a woman feels that she can just relax, can be herself, and totally enjoy the ride, her feminine side takes over completely. She trusts and lets go.
This trust is a major producer of the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress in women. It is the ultimate attachment hormone, making us feel good and happy. But more on oxytocin later; back to our subject.
The unfortunate reality is that many bad guys are often really not that confident. Often, the more confident a guy appears outside, the more he may be trying to cover his own insecurities inside. When boys grow up in non-loving, non—supportive, or even abusive environments, often the result is many painful wounds and very little self-confidence.
When a guy feels like nobody cares about him or loves him, his attitude becomes one of “why bother,” or “why should I care about anyone else either.” When men disconnect from their feelings, it is very easy for them to still appear confident. This, however, is often just a façade. Inside this façade are often just little wounded and hurt boys scared to love and be loved for who they really are.
When men are abused or treated unfairly, as a coping mechanism they often project that abuse onto others; whereas abused women usually inflict even more abuse on themselves. The indisputable fact is that 90% of the people in jails are men. I am not saying this to justify a man’s bad or criminal behavior; I understand that as adults we are responsible for ourselves. But it is important that we look at the causes of things to better understand and take responsibility for our mistakes in order to learn how we can improve.
When a woman has low self-esteem and feels like she does not deserve a good man, a bad guy suddenly seems very attractive to her, because when she is with him she can at least feel better about herself because of who she is in comparison to who he is. When her husband or boyfriend is being a jerk to her she can feel that at least she is not as horrible as he is. This further explains why women are sometimes attracted to jerks or abusive men. This behavior can be extended to an unhealthy point. If inside she feels that she does not deserve better, then when he behaves badly, instead of feeling that she deserves more, she may feel even more compelled to help him. This is a neurosis.
If you are a woman and you are reading this, understand that by staying in an abusive relationship you are not only hurting yourself, but are also inadvertently telling your partner that it is okay for him to continue his behavior. The best and most helpful thing you can do for all involved is to leave the relationship. Otherwise, you will just be continually fuelling the fire. Nobody deserves to be abused. Call a hotline, friend, or police, and no matter how hard it is, try to leave an abusive relationship.
Having said that, guys (and girls), remember that it is confidence that you are attracted to. Confidence in both men and women is very attractive to the opposite sex. So, while I don’t recommend you act inappropriately to create the appearance of confidence, there is nothing wrong with once in a while getting your motorcycle out and giving her a wild ride. ☺
