Mikko, Why Is My Girlfriend Going Crazy? Is It Because Of The Birth Control Pills?
I have been dating this girl for almost a year now, and I really like her – or at least I used to. In the beginning of our relationship, everything was going well. But then after sometime I began to notice that she was having all of these emotional outbursts. I started thinking that maybe they were being caused by her birth control pills. Is that possible? And if so, would you recommend that she quit taking these pills? I want my calm girlfriend back!
Yours truly,
- Just an ordinary guy from Finland
Dear Ordinary Guy,
Let’s tackle first things first. Can birth control pills affect a woman’s mood? Yes, they can. In fact, even food, for example, can have a tremendous effect on women’s (and men’s) moods. For example, whenever a woman has not eaten for a while and her blood sugar drops, she starts to feel hungry. (Guys, take note because this is very important.) This means that her brain has literally run out of juice to produce the proper brain chemicals that make her feel good. Serotonin is the brain chemical that makes us feel content, happy, and relaxed, and that washes away stress.
So, when women’s serotonin levels drop, they experience what my mentor Dr. John Gray calls a “temporary amnesia of every good thing you have ever done.”☺ The reason for this is that women, particularly when under stress, use up much more serotonin than men do. Furthermore, men store and produce almost twice as much serotonin as do women. See, under similar stress situations, research shows that eight times more blood flow enters the emotional part (the limbic system) of the brain in women than in men. This means that, although this is almost impossible to quantify numerically, women generally have a much stronger emotional reaction to a negative or positive stimulus than men normally have in a similar situation.
So, while the easiest solution to her being hungry is to help her produce more serotonin through stimulating conversation, listening to her, or finding her food as quickly as possible, what do you do if you think the reason for her strong emotional reactions is the birth control pills?
Before I answer that, let me tell you what you don’t ever want to do in any circumstances, EVER ☺. Do not justify, hint, or even suggest to HER that the reason she is having a strong emotional reaction to something is because she is taking birth control pills, or because of any other reason, for that matter. In other words, you never want to invalidate a woman’s feelings whether she is taking birth control pills or not, whether you think she is hungry or not, or for any other reason.
You need to erase the following sentences from your vocabulary and never use them in a conversation with a woman ever again:
“Honey, don’t worry about it!”
“Sweetie, I think you are making a big deal out of this.”
“Why are you getting so upset about this?”
“Don’t worry about it, it will be okay.”
“You are making a big deal out of nothing.”
“What’s your point?”
“You are not making any sense.”
“Just calm down, it will be okay.”
“Just quit the stupid job/school course.”
“Why can’t you just relax?”
“Well, I don’t think it such a big deal.”
“You are just making a mountain out of a molehill.”
“Just forget it, it will be okay.”
“Why don’t you just relax and come watch TV?”
…and don’t even think about saying any of these while she is feeling stressed out:
“Are you having your period again?”
“Are you taking birth control pills again?”
“Oh no, is it that time of the month again?”
You may not realize that all of the above statements are things that men often say unknowingly, invalidating a woman’s feelings and experience. By saying any of the above, what she hears is that you don’t care about how she feels, you don’t want to understand her, and that you don’t love her the way she is. See, we men most of the time are so good at invalidating women’s feelings that we often don’t even have the slightest clue about what we are doing. This can be very hurtful to women.
When a woman is under stress, realize that what she needs is not someone who is trying to explain why she should not feel the way she is feeling, but what she needs is someone who understands what she is going through. Realize that a woman who is having a strong emotional reaction, whether she is taking birth control pills or not, is in need of serotonin. Serotonin is what calms the emotional part of the brain for both men and women. That which is upsetting to her may not seem like a big deal to you because you as a man produce and store twice as much serotonin and have eight times less blood flow to the emotional part of the brain.
First, it is very important to understand that men and women are different. It is completely natural for women to experience more fluctuations in their moods than men. So what this means is that in those times when she is stressed out, remember that all your attempts to try and make her feel good by solving her problems are not going to do any good, nor help her produce more serotonin. So, what then produces serotonin in her brain? First, she needs to have the right nutrition to make sure her brain can produce the brain chemicals. And while nutritious food always helps, talking and sharing in a loving nurturing environment is one of the best ways to stimulate the production of serotonin in the brain. So, if you notice that she is stressed or having a strong emotional reaction to something, ,this is what you should do!
Let her talk, bite your tongue as hard as you can, and do not say or do anything. Simply look into her eyes and attempt to listen.
If you are a woman reading this article, you may be laughing and thinking that this sounds silly. But the truth is that often the more a guy cares about you, the more tendencies he will have to interrupt and try to talk you out of your feelings. He deals with his emotional reactions and stresses in a completely different way than you do.
The irony is that the more a guy cares about you, often the harder it is for him to hear any of your negative feelings, worries, or problems without feeling that he has to solve them or do something about them immediately. See, guys are like firemen – if they see a fire, they need to hose it down quickly. While this tendency is commendable if your house is on fire, it is not so good when you are burning to just talk and share your feelings.
So guys, realize that when a woman is under stress, let her talk about what is bothering her without you saying or doing anything; by doing so, you are actually solving the biggest problem of all, which is helping her brain produce more serotonin to better cope with stress.
To summarize, remember, if you notice that she is having a strong emotional reaction, first, do not to use any of the phrases listed above. Second, do not say anything, and third, bite your tongue whenever you feel like solving her problems. Finally, attempt only to listen and understand the world from her perspective. And women, if you are reading this, it is often better that you journal your feelings or go to your girlfriends to talk about your stresses, instead of expecting your boyfriend or husband to fully understand what you are going through. And make sure to thank your man after listening to you if he did succeeded in making you feel better.
In my upcoming blogs, I will teach you more advanced skills ☺ on how to ask some questions, how to better make her feel understood, how to know more accurately when she is simply stressed and wanting to talk, and when is the proper time to have an ordinary or problem-solving conversation.
And finally, do I think she should quit taking the birth control pills? What I would advise is first to try the above suggestions, because the truth is that there is really no way to know whether she should quit taking the birth control pills or not. While birth control pills do have negative side effects on her health, and while some brands may work better for her than others, it is really a decision that is ultimately best left for her. Meanwhile, if you master the above skills, what you may realize that it was not the birth control pills after all that were causing her to go “crazy.”
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