Mikko, How Do I Know Where I Stand With This Girl?
Photo by Clarity
I am a friend of this girl at work, who just recently broke up with her boyfriend of four years. She is a really smart, confident, interesting, and funny girl, and I think we get along well. We started texting each other quite a bit, and I told her that I had feelings for her.
But she told me that my messaging felt a little overwhelming at times. I tried to explain that I just felt really comfortable around her and that I saw potential for us. We got into a small argument, after which she told me that I should put my energies elsewhere and forget about her since nothing was going to happen between us romantically.
But then just few days ago, she asked me to go jogging and to participate in a race with her next month. We started to tease each other again at the office, which has led to us to reopen our texting friendship. I feel that I should probably stop replying to her messages if she can’t at least try to be a true friend rather than use me to fill a void in her present life. Mikko, where do I stand with this girl?
- Confused
Dear Confused,
Sounds like she is playing a little game with you. On the one hand, she is flattered that you give her attention and show interest, but on the other hand she is not sure what she wants. Meanwhile, you are not sure where you stand with this girl either.
The truth is that whether this woman is romantically interested in you or not, the fact that you are showing attention to her is flattering. Women love attention, and you are showering her with it. However, if your attention comes from a place of your own insecurities or neediness, this may turn against you. To make sure you don’t fall into this trap, read my article “The Real Reason Women Are Often Not Attracted To Nice Guys” or my good friend Lauren’s article: “He’s Clingy, And I Am Not Attracted Anymore”
On the other hand, at this time, since she may be going through a painful break up, she feels comforted that you are there as one of her friends with your text messages.
Let’s start to unravel this situation by first exploring whether it is possible that she is interested in you romantically.
You’ve had an argument after which she said that your messaging had become a little overwhelming and that there could never be anything between the two of you. This could mean one of two things:
Firstly, that she really is not romantically interested in you and wishes only to be friends; or secondly, that there in fact could be a part of her that is romantically interested in you, but that she is just afraid to trust your intentions.
Helpful? Not really? Well, sometimes a woman’s mind can be a mysterious place, even to women themselves. Sometimes, when women are not quite sure what they want, they can only express their dissatisfaction when they are not getting what they do want.
When you come on too strong and show too much interest by acting as if you already know for sure that you like her, you can make her distrust your judgment. She may feel like there is no way you can know for sure whether you really like her or not because you have not seen her on a bad day, or on a day when she’s upset or unhappy about her life.
However, in this case, the fact that she did invite you back to participate in a race says that she must like you at least as a friend. So, while it is hard to know exactly how she feels about you, the real issue here is how you feel about her.
So what should you do now? The answer to that depends on what it is that you want. Are you interested in having her only as your friend, or are you perhaps secretly wishing to have a more romantic relationship?
If you want to continue to be her friend, simply continue as such, but this does not mean that you have to stop your life to chat with her whenever she so wishes.
You can simply tell her that you don’t appreciate this “one day off, one day on” type of friendship. Tell her that you don’t consider this true friendship, and that if she wants to continue being your friend you expect her to show the loyalty that real friends show one another. At the same time start hanging out more with your male friends and concentrating on other aspects of your life like your job, friends, and family, so that you don’t feel like you have to cater to her wishes whenever she feels like it.
And if you are interested in her romantically, this is what I would suggest you do. Play a little game on her yourself. For the next week or two, don’t pay much attention to her at all. Simply focus your energy on your work place, go hang out with your friends, or do things that you like to do. Don’t answer to her calls or texts, or show any romantic interest in her. If you see her at work, be nice and courteous, but don’t stop to tease her or chat with her for long. Then after couple of weeks, plan a date to take her out to a nice restaurant. Simply, send her a SMS message or ask her at work if is she would like to go out to have dinner with you?
To do this right, you have to be prepared that she may say no. And if she does says no, simply respect her wish and at that point realize it is time for you to move on to a next girl.
I remember one time when I was very shy still in high school, I used to think that unless I got at least ten no’s per month, I simply was not asking enough girls out on dates.
So to sum it up think about what it is that you want. Once you know the answer to that, realize that you do have the power to get what you want, and no one can hold you down. The more you learn and understand about women and dating, the more confident you become, and this confidence will become like a snowball rolling down to hill, and soon you will become an unstoppable ladies man able to sweep of any women off her feet with ease and confidence. ☺ Come back and let us know how it went. Good luck!
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