Why Do Men Cheat?
Have you ever wondered what is the real reason that men cheat? Maybe you are wondering why Tiger Woods cheated? Or maybe you are a woman reading this and have been cheated on before, or maybe you’re a guy curious about what I have to say. Whatever the reason, I’m sure by now you have probably come across some good and some not so good theories of why men cheat. I have certainly heard and read a lot about this, and unfortunately, have come across many shallow theories. In this article, I am going to try and dig a little deeper.
I am sure you have heard things like men cheat because they were not satisfied sexually, there was something wrong in the couple’s relationship, he was drunk at a party and the opportunity just presented itself, he became rich and powerful and did it because he could, or that he just met an incredibly beautiful woman who won him over. Maybe you have heard even shallower ideas like men have come into this world to copulate and spread their seed, behaving like this is part of their nature, or that it is the testosterone that makes them cheat. While all of these ideas contain some nuggets of truth, none of these suggestions provide a real understanding of why men cheat.
Let’s explore this subject by starting out from what I think is the most fundamental theory, and that is that men (and women) often cheat out of ignorance. Now, if you are a woman, before you say “Well, that just sounds like a justification for men to go out and cheat,” allow me to explain what I mean. If you are a guy reading this and have cheated before, and you might be saying, “This is just ridiculous, I knew exactly what I was doing when I cheated on her,” then please read on.
The truth is we often do many things out ignorance, and when it comes to matters of sex and cheating men are notorious for doing things without thinking. Listen to this: “God gave men two heads, but only enough blood to run to one at a time.” There’s a reason this type of joke exists. When you hear about politicians such as the governor of South Carolina cheating on his wife with an Argentinean woman or successful sports star like Tiger Woods having several affairs , you really realize how little men really think about consequences. How else do you explain this behavior? Plain and simple, we men can often act before considering consequences. I am not saying women do not do stupid things, but when it comes to cheating, women often seem to be much more cautious than men. After all, rarely do you hear a successful woman risking her whole career or family for having an affair.
I am not trying to say that there is something inherently bad about being ignorant. Sometimes ignorance can be blissful and many people simply want to remain that way. But when you do not fully understand the consequences of your actions it is impossible for you to make smart decisions about your life. This is what I mean by doing things out of ignorance, and this type of ignorance certainly enables you to do stupid things. Ignorance is not a justification, but it is an explanation. After all, we all make mistakes and have occasionally done things out of ignorance.
But the more you understand the consequences of your actions, the more educated decisions you will make. Even if you choose to do things out of ignorance, at least you are aware of your actions and your choices. Also, the more you understand the consequences of your choices, the harder it is for you to do things out of ignorance. And the more aware you become of your own thinking, the more responsibility you are likely to take for your life.
I have often heard people say things like, “Well, when I am on this trip out of the country and I cheat on my wife/girlfriend, no one will ever know. So why not do it if I feel like it?” While it may be true that no one will find out, what you may not realize is that even if no one knows about your cheating, there are still many negative consequences that can enter your life and relationship.
For example, after cheating, the next time you spend time or have sex with your partner, you can be sure that part of your subconscious or conscious brain will be thinking about your cheating incident.
Whatever you do, your brain keeps recording and storing images, sounds, and colors of everything. So if you did cheat, on a conscious or subconscious level your partner will somehow feel less connected to you. What you think and how you feel about your partner comes across in many ways besides just with words. When you have cheated, whether you are aware of it or not, you do not act in the same loving and open manner as you did before.
Whenever you do something secretly with a lot of emotion attached, as in cheating on someone, that memory is stored in your brain that will remember the incident long after the event itself. When you look at your partner you will also remember the time(s) that you cheated on her/him.
And every time you think about your cheating incident, you will have just wasted your mental energy and creative potential on something as frivolous as cheating. This is the same precious thought energy that you could have been using to make your life or relationship with your partner better instead. This is why living with a lie always leaves you emotionally drained. And as I said, every time you think about the cheating incident, your partner will feel less connected to you, sometimes without even knowing why.
But now, you are less connected to each other. On a conscious or unconscious level she is less “there” for you. Intuitively, she won’t trust you or allow herself to relax and open up around you as much. If she suspects that you are cheating or just suspects that something does not feel right, part of her will start to shut down sexually and in all other ways. Her intuition tells her to guard herself, sometimes without even knowing why. All of this may simply happen without conscious reasoning. Whichever way this plays out, all of it can have a tremendous effect on your relationships and love life.
Furthermore, whenever we do not live with truth, we disconnect from our honest selves that should be in charge of our lives in a healthy way. Most people don’t think this far ahead; I know I did not. So, now you can see that when people cheat, they often do not realize the consequences of their actions and ultimately cheat out of ignorance.
Another facet of this subject is that men often feel the need to cheat when they feel inadequate or unsuccessful at making their partner happy, particularly in the bedroom. When a guy loses the confidence that he can make his partner happy, he may start to look elsewhere for this feeling of “success.” When he goes home to his wife or girlfriend, and begins to associate her with failure or rejection, this can be very discouraging. Men can be very sensitive about this, and soon they begin to feel totally defeated.
If home means defeat, then another woman with a smile in her face that tells him: “Hey, you could be the right guy to make me happy,” may suddenly make this man feel better about himself. Obviously, there is no history of failure with this new woman. Instead, there is a new opportunity to succeed. Suddenly, the man will have renewed energy for this different woman, while at the same time feel completely defeated at home. Generally, men are not even aware of this process.
What makes matters worse is that if he is also ignorant about or unwilling to acknowledge how he may be contributing to the problems in his relationship and the bedroom, he becomes even more prone to cheating. Feeling like a failure at home, he may naively start to justify his cheating. He starts to rationalize that the reason he feels the need to cheat is because his wife/girlfriend is making him feel like a failure.
At this point, he may begin caring less about his partner and even start to blame her for his relationship problems. As he starts to find reasons to blame her, he begins to feel even more justified in his cheating. At this point, the man may be saying to himself or to his friends things like: “She is just never in the mood, I don’t think I can deal with that much longer,” or, “No matter what I do, she is never happy. Why should I even bother!”
This self-talk makes him feel even more justified in cheating. For example, if he is at the club trying to forget his worries by getting drunk, and he happens to meet a girl, or if decides to fly off to another country, he’ll seize the opportunity to find that “success” and restore his feelings of adequacy.
When a man is feeling helpless or in pain, and does not understand what to do to solve his relationship problems, he may childishly think that he is solving his problems by simply getting another woman. To make himself feel better he starts taking comfort in cheating and having sex with someone else.
This is when you hear men justify their behavior by saying things like: “It is just my nature to do it,” or “My wife just does not want to have sex with me or is never in the mood. What else am I supposed to do?” Unaware of how he may be contributing to his problems and not knowing what to do, he tries to solve his problems by cheating.
So there you have it. While for some, these reasons may sound like a justification for cheating, really they are not. Whatever the reasons are that men or women cheat, they cannot justify these actions. However, the more you understand your own underlying reasons for doing the things you do, the more you are likely to make smart decisions for yourself.
And of course, it is always two people that contribute to the problems of any relationship. But more on how we contribute to our problems and what to do to make a relationship “cheat proof” on one of my future blog posts. Meanwhile, leave a comment on why you think men cheat!
