You are making some great points here.

You said:
” I completely agree with that answer it is about the man feeling inadequate” and ” WOMEN can be the problem here because they “fake it” to much just to “get the job” over with”

That is a great point. I agree that it is always two parties that contribute to any problem in a relationship, so I appreciate you bringing the other point of view to the conversation. I also agree that this issue has to do with both of the couples communication skills as well as lack of positive understanding or “awareness” on how to please each other and how to make each other happy.

I also agree that porn movies definitely do not give a realistic picture on how to please a woman and that there still, of course, also exists a double standard about women who sleep around.

You also said in response to Malika about whether more self-awareness would stop cheating:
“I do also agree here with even with the more self awareness would it stop people from cheating necessarily…….I believe the answer Is “not so much”…it depends on just HOW honest they can actually be and this would be confronting for a lot of couples I suspect”

I also think it depends on how honest can couples actually be to themselves and I do believe that the more self-aware and sensitive we become to our own internal feelings the less we have the ability to lie to ourselves. I think it is this kind of self-awareness that leads to more honest conversations and relationships.

Finally you said:
“Lets be honest do we really HAVE to go through all this “torture” as I call it to mold ourselfs into an outdated relationship model (eg the institute of monogamous one person marriage) for all our dying days??????”

I do think that monogamous one person marriage is not for everyone and I don't think there is inherently anything wrong or evil about other relationship models.

Believe me, I have been in that place also where I believed that why should we even go through the torture of trying to make a monogamous marriage work. There was a time in my life when I believed that it would just not even be worth to try it. At the time, just the thought of it was too painful as I remembered all of my failures and for me even to believe that it would be possible just brought too much pain.

But something changed me. It was after I read the book: Men Are From Mars, Women Are Venus: Together Forever that I personally saw that it did not have to be that way. I realized that I do have the power to create a beautiful relationship. I just realized that I had been lost feeling powerless.

Now I don't think a monogamous marriage has to be “torture” at all and I strongly believe that with up-dated relationship skills it can be joyful, beautiful, and deeply enriching experience. Ever since I have thought that, although I still have my own struggles, all of my relationship experiences have been much more beautiful and I am very much looking forward to finding the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

What do you think the conversation would be like if a man confessed his insecurities to this significant other? “Honey, I feel like a failure to you, and Joan thinks I'm a hero so I want to bang her”. I'd love to be the fly on the wall!

Will more self awareness keep people from cheating? Maybe… but, removing the shamefulness of experiencing other sexual partners within a relationship may also be.”…….Malika quote

I do also agree here with even with the more self awareness would it stop people from cheating necessarily…….I believe the answer Is “not so much”…it depends on just HOW honest they can actually be and this would be confronting for alot of couples I suspect…..Moving the shamefullness of cheating well yes as long as both partys had a very CLEAR trust and understanding and love of each other I believe this could well be possible….To be honest I have not succeeded well myself in most relationships because I am the one who gets both mentally bored of the person and usually they can't keep up with me…this is sex with the mind to which is very powerful indeed and nothing can quite replace that feeling of a new exciting person that has got that “sex and mind sex appeal”……Lets be honest do we really HAVE to go through all this “torture” as I call it to mold ourselfs into an outdated relationship model (eg the institute of monogamous one person marriage) for all our dying days??????
Maybe ask me this question in 5 years again but whats natural instinct to you? is the question!

First, I do agree that you need two willing parties to make a relationship more loving and beautiful. However, I also think that you only need one person to be the catalyst for positive change in a relationship.

So what if your husband wants anal sex and you don't? Should he give up his desire if you don't want to. What a great question.

First, I think there are some things that you can compromise in relationships and if you cannot and those things are so important that you cannot live without them, then you might not be the right partners for each other. Or thirdly, I guess in this case, someone else could possible be there to fill that void .

Here is also another way to look at it. I think we often confuse our needs with out wants and desires. Often we may want or desire a lot of thinks in life, which we really don't need to be happy. And if we would actually get our needs met we would realize that we would actually be much happier in life than when blindly following all of our wants and desires.

But what if you desire to have multiple partners or you enjoy sex with multiple partners should you give that up, or should you give up on ever getting married? I always think that in the end you should follow your heart and intuition. And if your heart says to have sex with multiple partners while being married in a polyamorous relationship, then I think you should honor it.

We can only “make” our relationships more beautiful and loving is with two willing parties… and you know we can't make anyone DO anything they don't want to.

So, for example, if you are a man that likes anal sex and your partner (spouse or otherwise) doesn't. Should I try to convince this person to do it or do I give up that desire?

What if I desire to have multiple partners or I just enjoy sex with multiple partners, do I give that up or do I give up on ever getting married.

I will read your post on polyamory… I look forward to more disagreements ;0).

Thanks for joining the conversation and bringing up a good point about the urge to cheat.

First, I “think” that thinking is also about planning about your future and pondering about the consequences of your actions.

While it is normal to feel physical attraction with others and even to have the urge to cheat, the reason we actually cheat is because we do not fully understand the consequences of our actions.

What I mean is that if we would fully understand how we could make our own relationships loving and beautiful, why would anyone cheat? I believe we would not. The reason we cheat is because we are confused and don't understand how to make our relationships satisfying. Thus, we cheat out of ignorance. Ignorance of not knowing how much better our relationships could be if we took the time to learn, to develop, and to cultivate our relationships. Instead many ignorantly waste that precious energy cheating.

I like your idea of confessing your insecurities to your significant other. I think that is exactly what should be done in relationships. Honest, clear, and open communication. If a guy would be able to be that honest as you suggested, two things would happen: either they would brake up or their bond and relationship would grow stronger. Both options much better than wasting energy cheating in my mind.

I am sorry, I am not sure if I understand your last sentence. Are you saying that removing the shamefulness of experiencing other sexual partners within a relationship can also be a good way to stop cheating, like in polyamorous relationships? If so, I completely agree with you that it can be a very good way to deter someone from cheating. I think it is much better to be honest about your desires to have sex with others than lie about it. And while I acknowledge that polyamory may be the right lifestyle for some, I don't think it is necessarily a good idea.

Here is why:
http://relationship-journal.com/2009/09/11/poly...

Basically, I think many choose polyamory for the same reason some cheat: Lack of awareness on how to create a loving and satisfying monogamous relationship.

- Mikko

p.s. If you are reading this, make sure to go check Malika's awesome relationship blog at:
http://www.happilymarriedwoman.com

Ignorance of consequence… lack of thinking. Thinking is about rationalizing what has already occurred in thought and often in deed. The urge to cheat is what has to be address here not just what will happen if I do.

That's the whole purpose of “cheating” it assumes the other doesn't know and/or hasn't consented… it's about ignorance at least of the other person not of the cheater.

What do you think the conversation would be like if a man confessed his insecurities to this significant other? “Honey, I feel like a failure to you, and Joan thinks I'm a hero so I want to bang her”. I'd love to be the fly on the wall!

Will more self awareness keep people from cheating? Maybe… but, removing the shamefulness of experiencing other sexual partners within a relationship may also be.

I also agree that definitely not all relationships are forever. And also, I think it is possible to grow, heal, and move on to continue in a relationship even after some one has cheated or being cheated on.

I also totally agree that the cheating makes the connection weaker and does not help…but let s face this not all relationships are forever and some are doomed and are better off ending even so the cheating is certainly not the most mature way to get out !