Why Do Women Cheat?
To be fair, after having written the article about why men cheat, I decided to write a parallel article about women. If you read my theory about men cheating, you learned that both men and women often cheat out of ignorance, or – more politely, out of lack of awareness. To understand what I mean by cheating out of ignorance, please go back and read my previous article on this topic.
The interesting thing about women cheating is that while men have cheated on women for centuries, it is only in the last 50 years or so that women have begun to do so as much as well. With the advent of the birth control pill, a whole new sexual revolution took place. Before the days of birth control, women had to be much more careful with whom they had sex. After all, no woman wanted to end up with an unwanted baby, much less with a guy that may not have stayed with her.
But with birth control on the scene and great strides having been made for equal rights for women, things have changed dramatically. Today, women are often cheating just as much as men are. This may seem immoral at first glance, but this is far from the truth. The reality is that women’s cheating is really a symptom of not feeling loved, cherished, or supported.
In today’s world, both men and women are hungrier for love than ever before. In the past, women often sacrificed themselves for the sake of their husband, children, and family. This was considered noble and honorable behavior. For her, the union and well-being of her family was simply more important than having an affair. This is not to say that women don’t value family today as much as they ever did. However, today women can take care of themselves. Women do not necessarily need men or husbands to take care of them in the same way as they did in the past. Many women are raising families by themselves. With economic prosperity and relatively safe societies, for a woman to live this way has become much easier.
So, with money and a can of mace in their purse, women will simply not put up with the same type of treatment from men than in the past. Men and women expect and want more from their relationships – this is completely healthy and natural. But along with this, come new challenges.
So, now that we understand the context in which times have changed, what are the real reasons women cheat? The number one reason is because of feelings of helplessness and powerlessness to get her needs met in a relationship. When a woman does not feel respected, understood, or loved, it is very hard for her to continue to give and receive from her open heart, and so she begins to shut down – sometimes unconsciously, sometimes without even being able to pinpoint why.
This process of “shutting down” usually starts when she does not feel safe or comfortable sharing intimate feelings with her partner. It is often this lack of communication that it is the first step toward thoughts of cheating.
A woman can be very sensitive about having her feelings invalidated. Feeling rejected when she feels the need to share her feelings is equivalent to the man feeling rejected when his heart is open and he is aroused, wanting to have sex.
This invalidating and hurting process need occur only a few times for the woman’s shutdown to occur. This can be a very hard concept for men to understand because men usually do not feel the need to share intimacy through communication in the same way. Generally, men feel the love in their hearts toward their girlfriend or wife all the time, but fail to communicate that love to her in a way that she can receive it.
But once a woman tries to reveal more about herself with failed attempts, she may not want to talk about herself with her partner anymore. As she does not feel understood by her partner, it becomes much harder for her to feel valued in the relationship. It is only when we can be our own authentic selves that we can fully give and receive love.
Even if her boyfriend or husband is very nice and tries to be romantic with her, unless she feels understood, this lack of intimacy makes it very hard for the woman to feel an intimate connection with her partner.
At this point, the woman may, often unconsciously, start to look for opportunities to share more about herself somewhere else. If she does not feel connected to her husband or boyfriend at home, and now happens to meet another man who is romantically interested in her, she may start to feel drawn to him instead. This often starts as an innocent friendship.
If she associates her boyfriend or husband with closing down and hurt feelings, she may suddenly start to find this new man very attractive. With him she has no history of having hurt feelings, only new opportunities to create a fresh, rewarding connection. While she feels shut down with her husband or boyfriend, this new attraction can easily become a source of support. She may even start to complain about her boyfriend or husband to this new man.
She now begins to think: “My husband/boyfriend is such a jerk,” or, “He is just so boring, we never do anything exciting.” “All he does is watch TV on his couch, I don’t think he loves me or cares about me.” “I can’t even talk to him. He does not understand anything that I am saying.” And so on. Feeling like a victim of her own circumstances, she justifies her misery by blaming her partner.
And the irony is that if she talks to this new man about her situation, since he is not yet involved with her, it is very easy for him to be understanding and supportive. In fact, these men sometimes naively think that they are the solution to her problems. This type of bonding with another man can then easily start to arouse romantic feelings in her. The more she feels understood and heard, the more bonded she begins to feel.
So, while she does not feel connected to her partner, it becomes easy to see why she can have feelings with her newly found man. And unless she takes responsibility for the life she creates for herself, and understands how she is remaining a victim of her circumstances, it may become much easier to cheat instead of dealing with her pain and hurt for not feeling loved by her husband or boyfriend.
Furthermore, if the woman does not feel cherished, she may naively begin to think that it is all her partner’s fault. And so, rather than taking responsibility for her feelings and the type of relationship she has created, she justifies her cheating by blaming her husband or boyfriend for the lack of connection. And to feel better about herself and forget her pain, she may continue to cheat on him.
So, there you have it. What do you think? Why do women cheat?
