Mikko, Have I Lost Him? Should I Call Him?
Dear Mikko,
I recently went out on a first date with this wonderful guy. He took me to this nice restaurant and we had a great time. After the night was over, he agreed to call me over the next couple of days to plan another date. And he did. I was really excited.
However, because of our busy schedule, we could not find a time that suited both our schedules, since we are both busy professionals. So, he said he would just call later that week. Again, he called me late on a Saturday night since one of his scheduled trips had been canceled. By this time I had already gone out for a dinner with my friends.
Now, I have not heard back from him for a few days, and I am afraid that he thinks I am playing hard to get. I would really like to meet him again. Since I have not heard from him, part of me is even worried that he may be angry. Mikko, what should I do? I’ve got two tickets for a theater show this weekend, and I wanted to know if you think it would be a good idea to call him and invite him?
Afraid to Lose Him, California
Dear Afraid to Lose Him,
What a great question! You have met a really great guy and you really like him, but you are afraid that you have blown your chances with this guy. You don’t want to lose him. This is a situation I am sure many women can relate to in today’s busy world. I have a feeling that all is not lost. Let’s start by exploring whether asking him out to a theatre show is a good idea.
In your case, to ask him out would be a very nice gesture, and I don’t see anything terribly wrong about that. After all, I am sure you would love if he did the same for you. So, what I think we can safely agree on is that he would most likely enjoy being invited out. We all like to receive things, don’t we!
However, if you do choose to ask him out, this is what you need to be aware of. If you start pursuing him more than he is pursuing you, this will not necessarily make you more attractive or interesting to him. By you pursuing him, you run the risk of putting him into the passive mode of just receiving. And this is such an easy place for guys to fall into.
Unfortunately, when he feels like he has already won you over, or when you pursue him more than he is pursuing you, it is very easy for him to become complacent and to think: “Hey, she already likes me, so I don’t have to do much to win her over. I guess I can relax now.” So as you see, while we men may even like to be pursued, that will not necessarily motivate us into pursuing you, which is really what you want.
It is when the guy feels successful in his pursuit, and senses that he can make you happy in the process, that you will both be the happiest.
It may be hard for you to understand this reality from a guy’s perspective, because I am sure your experience with someone taking you out is completely the opposite. I mean, you would probably feel that you would have to do something nice in return, right? Well, this is unfortunately not how most men think. When men receive something, we feel that we deserved it.☺
So, while I am sure every cell of your body feels like you should ask him out to a theatre show, since you have not been available to him, my advice is to continue keeping your cool and not go there. Since you have only gone out with him once, in this case, I recommend you use the extra ticket to have fun with one of your friends instead.
What can you do to make sure he still knows that you like him? After all, you like this guy and don’t want to lose him, right? Contrary to popular belief that says if the guy does not call, that means he is just not interested, in fact, this is a great example of a situation when it can really help you when you finally do call him.
Calling a guy to communicate the message that you still like him will give him the confidence to continue pursuing you. So, instead of asking him out to the theatre, try calling to ask him a question or ask for help about something he is expert in or does well.
For example, if he is an investment banker, call and ask him an investment related question. It could go something like this: “Hey Peter, I was just looking at my finances and I was thinking about investing some money in this one mutual fund. Then I thought of you, and thought that I would love to hear what you think of my idea.” Or if he is a carpenter, you could ask him to come over and nail a picture on the wall, and so on. I am sure you get the idea. Just keep your request very simple, and something he can easily do. Keep the conversation short and after his answer thank him and get off the phone.
Men love to feel like experts. I could go on and on trying to explain this,☺ but to keep us on track, just take my word for it. By asking for his advice, you will have communicated two very important messages to him: firstly that you are not upset that he has not called you, and secondly that you still like him and think he is a great guy.
There can be many reasons that men don’t call. And when a guy likes you but doesn’t call, that doesn’t mean that he is angry. He may be unsure about when to plan a next date and feel silly just calling to say hi, or he may just be busy with work, or just stressed out about something.
Sometimes, when a guy has not called in a few days, he may even be afraid that you are angry at him for not calling. The irony is that the more a guy cares about you, the more he is afraid to hurt your feelings. That in turn may then become another reason that he does not want to call you – he may not want to face the fact that he may have hurt you. All of this may be going on while he may really like you and often be thinking about you.
By simply calling to ask for some quick advice or help, you can continue to be grateful for what he has to offer without becoming too needy. At the same time, you will have communicated that you still like him and think he is a great guy. Just make sure you thank him for his help. This will strengthen the romantic chemistry and develop the right kind of bond between the two of you.
And while you are waiting for him to call back, take that time to concentrate on making yourself happy by going out with your friends or by doing something that you love to do. This is where those two theatre tickets will come in handy.☺ Also, remember at this stage it is also okay to accept dates from other guys. By continuing to create positive dating experiences while not becoming too attached to any one particular outcome, you will soon land your dream partner. You are doing a great job! I wish you all the best!
