How To Get A Guy To Marry You?
Okay, so you’re in a great relationship. You really like this man. Everything in your relationship seems to be going right, except one thing: You are yearning for an even deeper connection and commitment, but he does not seem to be the least bit interested. “Why doesn’t he want to marry me?” you wonder? “And why does he have to have such a commitment phobia?”
Just so that you know, if you are a woman reading this, you are not alone in this situation. Believe it or not, this happens more commonly than you think.
Let’s explore what’s behind this a bit. Contrary to what many women think, it really is not true that men have commitment issues or issues of trust.
The primary reason women are often afraid to commit to a relationship or marriage is because they do not trust the man, nor do they trust his intentions. However, this is not the primary reason why men are not willing to commit. Simply said, men are afraid that they won’t be successful or have what it takes to make you happy.
This is what men think: “If I would be sitting at the top of a canyon and had to walk a tightrope to get to the other side, would I have what it takes to make it, and would there be a big enough reward for me on the other side to justify the risk?” If 50% percent of the men generally fall (the divorce rate) from the tightrope and don’t make it, then staying on one side may seem very safe and comfortable, wouldn’t it? ☺ For this particular man, there is no point in risking it all. If he is in a committed happy relationship with you, he may not see the point in taking the next step.
I am not trying to argue that this is a very noble way to think or that the guy should actually think this way; but I am trying to make you understand how men think. This understanding will assist you in making much better choices in communicating your message to the man in your life in way that he can understand.
So, now that we have taken a peek into the man’s mind, let’s look at what does not work. The most common mistake women make is either trying to pressure the man or make him feel guilty for staying on his side of the “canyon.” To say things like: “Honey, why don’t you marry me?” “Honey, I would like to get married, I want to get married, wouldn’t this be the right time?” Or worse: “Honey, we have been in this relationship for ten years already, why can’t we get married, do you even love me?” Rest assured, these types of comments will not motivate him to marry you. They don’t work!
And the truth is that you would not even want a guy to marry you just because you want it. You want him to marry you because that’s what HE wants. Any attempt to pressure him will just push him further away. If a man feels that you are resentful and do not appreciate what he has already done for you, no matter how you communicate your desire for marriage, he will have trouble hearing this message from you. So, with that in mind, let’s look at some things that might work.
But first, let me just caution you. There are many pieces of advice out there on the internet, in magazines, books, etc., all of it trying to teach people how to manipulate others. These ideas and techniques may contain some nuggets of truth, but I want to say, from my point of view, I don’t believe in trying to manipulate anyone to do anything. I believe in communicating your feelings, wants, and wishes honestly, and in a way that will leave you and everyone around you feeling good. I am an advocate of honest and purposeful communication, and, in this case, expressing your desire for marriage is no exception.
Having said that, the first step in getting a guy to marry you is to express your sincere appreciation and gratitude for what he has done or is already doing for you. This is very important in motivating a man to marry you, and is a point that is often overlooked. Before you can get to this place of sincere appreciation, you may have to examine if you are feeling resentful and work through your resentment first.
As I mentioned earlier, the main reason a guy is afraid to commit is because he is afraid of failure. If he is not sure he has what it takes to make you happy, he may not have the confidence to commit. My mentor, Dr. John Gray, once told me the story of how he finally realized he wanted to marry his wife. They had been dating for a while and he had planned a little weekend getaway. After driving for a couple of hours, John realized that they were lost. In fact, he had accidentally driven to the wrong state. Embarrassed and a little nervous, he said, “I think we are a little lost.” Knowing that she was fully aware that they were in the wrong state, John was expecting the worst. But she took a little pause, looked around, and said: “But John, look around at this beautiful view. This one of the most spectacular views that I have ever seen. It’s so beautiful. Had we never gotten lost, we would have never seen this.”
It was at this moment of his total failure that she was still able to express her gratitude and appreciation for what he had offered. This gave him the confidence in recognizing that she was the one he wanted to marry. So, realize that the first step in motivating a man to marry you is to express your appreciation for how he is contributing to your happiness. This is really the reward that the guys are looking for, and this will help to get them across that scary canyon of commitment.
The second step is to communicate what you want in a non-accusing, non-resentful, and non-threatening way. When a guy is on the other side of the canyon and you are waiting for him to muster up the courage to get to your side, this is how you may get him to take the risk.
To do this from a sincere place, it is very important that you first acknowledge whether this is how you really feel. Because if it is not, this may not work for you. Furthermore, realize that by doing what I will suggest, you will also have to take responsibility for the consequences that may follow.
Let’s examine if this is something that you sincerely feel, and if so, this may be something you can tell him: “Honey, I just want you to know I have been with you now for 5 years (or how ever long it’s been), and I love you with all my heart. But recently, I have begun to wonder whether this is the right relationship for me. Deep in my heart I find myself wanting to have an even deeper connection with you; I would want to be your wife. But I realize this may be something you may not want right now. Just know that if I seem a little distant at times, this may be why. I really love to be with you, but I just wanted to tell you that sometimes I find myself wanting even more.”
Of course, you can say this with your own words; but the goal is to express your honest and sincere feelings. At the same time, you may also have to face the reality that he may not be ready to commit to you.
It is at this point that you also want to make sure you are beginning to fulfill yourself and your life in other ways – through your friends, family, hobbies, work, and spiritual life, especially if you feel like you are ready for a deeper commitment and he is not.
After you have communicated this to him, and if after few months nothing has happened, you may continue to the third step and have another honest conversation. Again, you have to examine how you feel about the situation, and if this does reflect how you feel, you can tell him: “Honey, would you just listen to my feelings again? You don’t have to say anything. I have just begun to feel more and more like maybe you are not the right person for me. I know I love you and I know you love me too. I love you with all my heart. You are such a great person, and I really appreciate all that we have gone through. But deep inside I know I want more. I would like to get married. I now realize that this may not be what you want. But I know I do. I still want to be with you, but I need to also start taking more time for myself. I feel like my heart is slowly starting to close. I just wanted to tell you that I have started to think about getting my own place and may soon move out. I love you very much, but I just need to do this for me.”
This way you have continued to communicate your feelings in a non-threatening, non-accusing way. You will stay true to your feelings for a more committed relationship and at the same time continue to stay open to what he has to offer, from a place of gratitude. You are also opening yourself to the possibility that he really is not the right one for you. If after some time, he has not shown more commitment or asked you to marry him, you have to be willing to move out. Don’t say this unless you mean it.
There is a concept that all men know, which is that we often don’t do anything unless we have to. This applies to many situations, from shopping for Christmas presents at the last minute, to emptying the trash only once it is overflows. This even applies to marrying. Sometimes, it takes the risk of losing you to give him the impetus to cross the canyon and live there with you, happily ever after.
When you stay true to yourself and what you want, and at the same time let go of what you think has to happen, you begin to open the doors for more to come into your life. While you cannot change others, what you can change is yourself.
After you have moved out, if he still does not feel like pursuing you, the fourth and final step is to have yet another conversation that could go something like this: “Paul, I really appreciate all that you have offered me. I am so grateful for everything we have done together. I will always remember those loving and fun moments we shared at our picnics on the beach (fill in those experiences as appropriate), and I realize that we just may not be the right ones for each other. I love you so much, and I always will. And I want to wish you well. There is still a part of me that would love very much to be your wife. You are such a great man. But at the same time, I realize you may not be looking for the same type of commitment that I am at this point in your life. I just want to let you know that I would like to start dating other men. Thank you for all of the beautiful moments that we have shared together.”
Acknowledging and sharing your feelings in this way, will help you keep your heart open to him as well while acknowledge that this man may not be the right one for you. Taking responsibility for your happiness will not only empower you to become the best you can be, but it will empower him too.
As I explained in my article, “How Do You Know When You Have Found The Right One,” we all grow and mature at different times and speeds, and sometimes it takes time to meet and recognize the right one for you. I hope these insights will offer some help towards getting the right guy to marry you.
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