Polyamory: Is It a Good Idea?
Have you ever thought what fun it might be to have more than one loving partner in your relationship? After all, many people commonly accept the idea that the romance and passion in relationships eventually fade after few years. So, in order to introduce some new passion into the relationship, why not have more than one romantic or sexual partner? Or, maybe even better, would it not make sense to have the best of both worlds – the comfort and safety of a marriage, as well as another partner to satisfy your more passionate and romantic needs? Not only that, in these tough economic times, having polyamorous relationships would enable you to share your expenses with more people, have more than two adults to take care of the kids, and, in general, combine resources, knowledge, and skills. And, since I am a big advocate of being honest about your relationships, if everyone is participating with full knowledge and free consent, should it not only enhance everyone’s life?
Sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it! Not necessarily; and here’s why: By definition, having a polyamorous relationship prevents you from creating a long lasting and passionate monogamous relationship – one that I believe could potentially be much better for you. And before I explain why I think monogamous relationships are better for you, let’s explore the reasons someone might advocate for polyamorous relationships.
When I first heard about the idea of polyamorous relationships, it sounded to me like an idea that some clever guy came up with to solve the problem of not knowing how to create a long-lasting and passionate relationship with his wife, who then convinced others, with some good arguments, to buy into the idea also. My second thought was that or may be it was a woman who rather than risking to trust the love of a one man decided to diversify her risk by investing in two or more men, who came up with the concept. Whatever the case may be, while I do think that there may be benefits for some in these new types of relationship arrangements, I don’t think they come without some new difficult challenges and problems that you should carefully consider.
And don’t get me wrong, for some couples or individuals this may be the right solution, particularly if neither partner desires a monogamous relationship. And as many advocates of polyamorous relationships state: “I would rather see people engaged in polyamorous relationships than have them cheat or have affairs.” I happen to agree, since, if you are not satisfied in your relationship as it is, I do believe at least it is better to behave honestly than to lie about it.
But from this, it may seem that polyamorous relationships are the best solution for everybody. And that is I think certainly a false conclusion to make. As I stated before, I believe that the best relationship you can have is a long-lasting and passionate monogamous relationship. And this is why: I believe it is through creating a monogamous relationship that you can create the happiest and most loving foundation for your life. For men, it is experiencing and sharing in one women’s happiness that ultimately makes us the happiest as well. And for women it is the love of a one man that can potentially make her the happiest.
The problem I see with polyamory is that it makes it impossible for a woman to feel that she is the one and only, most special person in your life – the one with whom you are solely sharing your sexual energy. As soon as you share your sexual energy with someone other than your wife or girlfriend, she is no longer the only special person receiving that energy (and of course, vice versa).
On a hormonal level, the problem with this is that it this feeling of “specialness” that is a major producer of the “love hormone,” oxytocin. This hormone not only makes the woman feel happy, but it also reduces her stress level.
Unless a woman can fully trust that she is the only one you want sexually and otherwise, it is impossible for her to generate the amount of hormones and brain chemicals required for her passion toward you to continue to grow. Just thinking that you may not value her as the only one with whom to share your sexual energy will cause her to start to close her heart to you. She simply won’t be as happy as she could be if she felt exclusive. And this means you won’t either.
From a men’s standpoint, it is when a man can alone take credit for her happiness that most testosterone is being produced. It is the production of testosterone that best helps men cope with stress and makes us feel the best about ourselves.
Furthermore, it is only when a woman’s heart continues to stay open to you that the passion in your relationship can continue to grow. This may sometimes be a hard concept for men to understand because we often don’t need our heart to be open in the same manner as women do for sexual arousal. But it is often as a result of women’s hearts closing for their men, whether consciously or unconsciously, that men begin to lose their romantic passionate feelings for their wife or partner also.
The second major problem with polyamorous relationships is that as soon as you connect your sexual energies with more than just your partner, relationships can become very confusing. It is hard enough to reconcile relationship problems in a normal partnership or marriage.
The argument that it is somehow easier to reconcile problems when you introduce another person emotionally or sexually into a relationship is simply very silly. Introducing someone who can help you – that is someone like a relationship coach, mentor, counselor or a therapist – is very different, and could certainly play a valuable role.
And while introducing another person into your relationship might temporarily ease the pressures of ongoing or current problems, to somehow think that mixing your sexual energies with one or more persons other than your partner is, in fact, not such a good idea.
And here is why. Whenever we have sex, realize that it is like connecting two tubes of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual energies. When you have sex with someone you are literally connecting to the other person’s world – that means, to his/her emotions, thoughts, and everything else that comprises his/her world.
This makes normal couple relationships hard enough. Sometimes, the day after having sex, you may all of a sudden feel really angry or have thoughts or feelings you’ve never had before, and you have know idea why. The reason is that love and being connected to your partner’s energies will have a great effect on you.
I am not saying that you should use this idea to blame your partner for making you feel the way you do. It goes without say that you are still always fully responsible for your own feelings and actions. But to fully explain this idea is beyond the scope of this article.
The point is that by introducing more than one person into your sexual life and into your relationship, you can make life very complicated. And, the more sensitive and connected to your female side you are, the more you are affected by this transference of energy. The reason for this is that as soon as you emerge into another people’s energies, you will experience those energies as well. This can easily become very confusing.
It is often difficult to maintain your sense of self while in a marriage or committed partnership. And to mix your sexual energies with more than one person is almost guaranteed to make you feel even more confused.
Now, if you are particularly good at repressing or suppressing your feelings, you may not even notice much difference. This is why it has initially probably been men who have thought polyamorous relationships would be a great idea for enhancing the passion in their relationship, since men are generally less sensitive and connected to their female side.
Because as I said, the less sensitive you are, the less you will be affected by the emotions of others. And in this sense, introducing a third or fourth person into the relationship equation, may, in fact, provide short-term relief from issues you as a couple may be experiencing.
So, while you may think polyamory is a great idea, I would think it through very carefully before embarking on this experience. After all, what if I could tell you that it is possible to have a long-lasting passionate and monogamous relationship with your wife or partner where the intimacy, love, and sexual passion can only grow? I have seen and witnessed it happen. So, why could it not be possible for to you or me to create? Yes, creating a life long passionate relationship with one person may be challenging. But I hasten to question how could any polyamorous relationship could be any less challenging.
But as with anything you choose to try in life my advice is always to honor your heart and listen to your intuition. And, of course, only you know what is best for you. And whatever you choose, I will be wishing you the best in love and in your relationships!
Share your ideas! What do you think about polyamorous relationships? Do you think they are a good idea? Why or why not?
