He Is Just Not That Into You, Or Is He?
Okay, I’m sure you are well aware of the following scenario: You have gone out with this guy for a while, maybe just for a couple of dates, or maybe for a few weeks. But then, you don’t hear from him for a while. Maybe two days or a couple of weeks go by. It feels like there is a sudden lack of communication between you two. And you begin to wonder whether the now popular saying “He Is Just Not That Into You,” applies a little too well.
While there is a lot of truth to the book and the follow-up movie “He Is Just Not That Into You,” there is one major problem. The story fails to give you an more positive understanding of why many men may not call or keep in touch with you even when they might really be “into you.” Now, I am not saying this to justify some men’s behavior for not calling when it is appropriate, like to call and say he’s had a great time on a date, or that he is running late, or even to call to break up so that you can move on. But without a more positive understanding about men and their behavior you could actually be unknowingly contributing to him not being that into you.
The truth is that dating can be very confusing both to men and women. On one hand, women don’t want a man who is smothering them with attention, always calling or texting about their admiration; but on the other hand, you don’t want a man who suddenly does not communicate at all either, especially once you have begun to share more intimate feelings.
So, while brushing this type of a guy aside because he fails to meet your communication expectations, and then saying to yourself “He Is Just Not That Into Me,” may seem like a great solution to this problem, what you may unwittingly be doing is turning off some really good men that may, in fact, “yes” be into you.
But how is this concept possible if the guy fails to meet your expectations? Let’s take a look at how the “He Is Just Not That Into You” concept is true. After all, if this concept would not ring true on some level, it would hardly become so popular.
First of all, when a guy does not call or when he fails to show any interest, it may very well be that he really is just not that into you. When a guy doesn’t have interest or loses interest in a woman, the first thing that happens is that he focuses his energy somewhere else. In other words, he may simply forget about you. Men usually have a very defined way of behaving, especially under stress. If a guy is not interested, he may simply not communicate with you.
Naively, men think that calling to say that there is no chemistry with you or that you shouldn’t expect to hear from them would be silly. They assume that if you don’t hear from them over time, you will soon realize that there is no interest. Ironically, sometimes, the more a guy cares, the less he would want to call to say that he does not want to continue dating you for fear of hurting you.
Unfortunately, what many men don’t realize is that you will actually remember the fact that he did not call more than if he did call even just to close the relationship. So if you are a guy reading this, and you have gone out on a few dates, realize that women will appreciate it much more if you take the time to call even if it is to say that the chemistry isn’t right, or to say that you don’t think you are ready for a more serious relationship, or for any other reason you might have.
Having said that, what are some other reasons that may keep a guy from picking up the phone, texting you, or messaging you on Facebook, while he may in fact be into you?
Well, first of all, realize that the more stressed out a guy may be at that particular time of his life, the more he may feel the need to be by himself. If he is dealing with a job change, loss of a family member, a recent breakup or divorce, or any other major event, he may not be emotionally available or eager to keep in touch, even if he is very interested in you.
Furthermore, depending on how well he copes with stress in general, he may not want to spend time communicating or showing interest in you. So, even a small stressor may make him focus on himself and make him appear very aloof or self-centered, while all the while he may really like you. This may be hard for a woman to understand since often the more bored or stressed you are, the more you feel the need to communicate with someone you care about and who cares about you.
Other times, a guy may very well be interested, but does not want to appear too needy or dependent and therefore chooses not to call. Men often approach dating the same way they approach job interviews. After three interviews (dates), you would not call the next day to see if you got the job, but you would wait awhile to let the company (you) think about you, while at the same time you are applying for other jobs.
Sometimes, a guy may very well like you, but he may feel the need to pull away to regain his feeling of independence, especially if you’ve been intimate or have had sex. My mentor, Dr. John Gray, used to explain this phenomenon by comparing men to a rubber band. The more intimate a man becomes with a woman, the more the rubber band loosens, which means that men lose their strength and their feeling of independence, self-sufficiency, and so on.
At some point in any healthy relationship, men will feel the need to pull away. This is a very normal part of feeling the need for autonomy and has nothing to do with him not liking you anymore. As soon as he has pulled away far enough, the rubber band will automatically spring back to you with even greater force. This is a natural part of any male/female relationship and will only help the passion grow.
However, women may not understand this natural cycle that has a lot to do with men regaining their testosterone levels, and may unknowingly sabotage this process by pursuing men or by mistakenly thinking that he is just not that into you.
Yet other times, especially with the really nice and caring ones, a guy may in fact be very into you, but for fear of hurting your feelings in case that the relationship does not pan out, he may be holding back from wanting to call or see you. His logic goes something like, if I am not absolutely sure that I want to have a long term serious relationship, I don’t want to lead her on too strongly since I really care about her.
Finally, feeling uncertainty and questioning whether you want to start dating someone exclusively, should be a normal part of the dating process. After the mutual initial attraction, although a guy may very well like you, he may feel the need to take some time and reflect on his life and think about whether and how he would like this relationship to continue. It is again at these times, although he may like you very much, that he may need to think about all this by himself.
So, as you can see, there may be a lot of reasons for a guy not communicating with you that have nothing to do with him not being into you. After all, I am sure you would never want a guy to simply jump into a committed relationship before he would have had the time to think it through, or just do so because you really wanted it. Worse yet, you would not want some of those guys who call or text message you all the time, because you know that they don’t really know you.
So, while, it may often be hard to tell what the situation is, what will help you is for you to continue focusing on fulfilling your life and making yourself happy through all of your relationships with your friends and family, with your spiritual life/church/religion, hobbies, peers, and with yourself. And remember, unless you are in an exclusive relationship, you should also feel free to date other guys. By learning to fulfill your life and make yourself happy regardless of your circumstances, you will pave the wave for openness and a healthy, romantic relationship with a man.
And if you would want some help with your particular dating or relationship situation, take a look at the coaching options that I offer. With that, I wish you all of the best in your life and relationships!
