How To Set Limits To His Unacceptable Behavior?
Okay, so you have been dating a guy for a while now, or maybe you are already in an exclusive relationship. At this point, as in any relationship, you have probably experienced his – well, let’s just say, not so good side. Maybe he has been late for few dates, has forgotten to call when he promised, or just started laying around on the couch more and more. There hasn’t been a romantic date in weeks or months. Whatever the behavior, you are feeling frustrated because of it, and you know you can’t hold your frustration in much longer. Enough is enough, and you want to set some limits to his behavior.
The problem is that you are not quite sure how to approach this. You don’t want to complain outright, nor do you want to be considered a nag. You’re probably hesitating because you don’t want to upset him. Yet, inside, you know you need to do something.
“How can he not notice or care about the things that are important to me?” you ask. Sometimes he just leaves with his friends without telling you anything. He doesn’t even call so often, even though you two are still dating. You have even tried to explain why you don’t think his behavior is acceptable and it has turned out to be a disaster; now, you’re afraid to approach him at all.
I want to assure you that you are not the only woman who has ever felt this way. So, what can you do to set some limits when you find some of his behavior unacceptable? Or what can you do to let him know you want him to change?
This can be a tricky situation. So, let’s begin with a very important concept: You first need to realize that you can never change anyone’s behavior. The only person you can control and change is yourself. You’ve heard this before, no doubt, but let me tell you, it is true.
Our insistence on changing others is a neurosis. Unless you are willing to work on accepting and loving your partner the way he is, it may be better for both of you that you leave him.
So my first piece of advice is to accept the reality that true love means accepting others as they are. And believe me, this is sometimes hard to do. I am still working on that myself.
However, this does not mean that you cannot motivate or inspire others, particularly men in this case, to change. It simply means that you don’t have the power to do this for them. So, while it is impossible to change others, by improving your communication and learning what works best with men, the good news is that it really is possible to receive more from your relationships.
I hope you are reading this article with an open mind and are ready to apply something that will work. Let’s get right to it.
The first secret to start getting more from your relationships, is simply to start asking for more.
You’re probably already thinking, “No that won’t work. I’ve tried it before and it turned out to be a disaster.” But let me assure you, asking works particularly well with men, but you have to do it in a way that works.
The trick to asking and receiving in life is this: You have to learn to ask for more while letting go of being attached to the outcome. In other words, when you ask your husband or boyfriend for something, it is important that you do so using the appropriate tone of voice − a voice that will show appreciation if he comes through, and no resentment or hurt if he does not.
For example, when you ask a guy for something, you should be using the same tone that you would use if you asked him to pass the butter at the dinner table. You simply assume and trust that he will do it for you.
The truth is, that the more a guy cares about a woman, the more he wants to see her happy.
So this is what you do. For example, if your guy friend will be late for your date and does not call to tell you this, simply say: “Hey Peter, would you call or text me the next time you are running late, I would really appreciate it.” Keep the comment short and to the point. Or maybe your boyfriend has gone away for a two-week business trip and you would like him to call more often while he is away, particularly since you two have now been dating for few months. You can simply text him, saying: “Hey John, would you call me tonight? I would really love to talk to you.”
So, the first key to getting more from relationships is to learn the art of asking correctly. You may be thinking to yourself that you should not have to ask for him to do something like this. He should know this already. While this may be true, it is completely unrealistic to expect others to read your mind and fulfill your unstated needs.
Later on, I will write a whole blog post on the art of asking to get what you want from men. Stay tuned for that.
The second secret to start receiving more from your relationships is by showing more appreciation for what he is already doing right. As I said before, the more a guy cares about his woman, the more he wants to make her happy. So, acknowledge, and be grateful.
The next time he is running a few minutes behind on a date and he does call you to let you know, make sure to thank him for that. Or, if he does call you after one of his workdays during a stressful business trip, make sure to tell him how much you loved and appreciated having heard his voice. These acknowledgements will further reinforce his behavior.
In many ways, men really are like dogs. ☺ And if you ask any dog trainer, he will tell you that the key to motivating a dog to continue his positive behavior is to give him a treat when he is doing something right. And in the case of men, the treat is to see women’s appreciation for having made them happy.
So, just by learning these two secrets – being grateful and appreciating what you already have in life and continuing to ask for more, I promise you will continue to receive even more and more in your life and in your relationships, and eventually you may not even feel the need to set limits to his behavior.
