Mikko, I Have Cheated On My Wife. What Should I Do?
Mikko, I chose my wife very logically. We matched up on nearly 100% of things: on our way of life, way of thinking, on our goals, and so on. I thought that this common ground was the most important for a long-lasting relationship. So, I decided she’d be the one. I chose that over the physical attraction. Never really felt any, but I thought this would not really matter. It was quite easy to pretend at the beginning. But after a couple years, I cheated on her with someone that attracts me a lot, and that also seems to have many of these other factors. My wife discovered the cheat. It’s been cold war ever since; not because of the cheat itself actually, but because love is gone. I am angry at myself for not being able to know at the beginning that this is the way it would end up, and that I would hurt people. I have nothing to say against my wife; she’s a great woman and gave me a beautiful daughter, but having no physical attraction to her (while the reverse isn’t true) is just becoming truly hard and makes the situation really tense. It’s like she’s my roommate, not my wife with whom I want to have sex. My mind is just wiped. I am so sad. I am thinking of divorcing, but I am truly feeling guilty for my young daughter who hasn’t asked for any of this; so I am hanging on for now, but for how long? Mikko, what should I do?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Believe me, I feel your pain. You made a decision to marry your wife, you promised to share the rest of your life with her, you gave your word, and now you have cheated on her, betraying that very trust. You’re even contemplating divorce. You have hurt the very person you promised to love and care for the most in life. Now you feel like shit, ashamed of what you have done and are angry with yourself. You also have a daughter now, and the last thing you want is for her to have to suffer because of the mistakes that you have made.
So, what should you do? Let’s start to explore this question from the perspective of what would be best for your daughter. The truth is that what is most important for your daughter or for any child is to see their parents happy. Now don’t misunderstand me and think that this means that you don’t have to care for your children, provide them proper structure, nourishment, love, and attention, simply to make yourself happy first. That is not what I mean.
But the truth is that a child’s worldview is completely egocentric until almost about nine years old. What this means is that if she sees her parents unhappy see feels as if that’s somehow her fault. If she sees her parents happy, she believes it’s because she is making them happy. Throughout childhood, children are very receptive, and are constantly connected to their parents’ feelings and emotions. If you as a parent cannot take responsibility for your own happiness, your child will unfortunately automatically feel responsible for you.
What this means is that the best thing that you can do for your child’s development, really no matter what her age, is to first and foremost make sure to take personal responsibility for your own life and happiness. In other words, if you are miserable in your relationship and choose to stay in misery just because of your daughter, this is definitely the wrong reason to stay married, and your daughter will be better off by you and your wife taking responsibility to create relationships where both of you can be happy.
So does this mean that you should divorce her? No, not necessarily. But I do believe we are all meant and deserve to have a relationship where we feel a connection with our partners on all levels – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I also believe there is such a thing as two people recognizing that, while they may love each other, it is possible for them to gain recognition in their hearts that they are not necessarily meant to share the rest of their lives together. To learn more about what I mean by this, read my article: “How To Deal With Painful Divorce or Break Up, When Love Is Not Enough,” and make sure also to read my other related article: “How Do You Know You Have Found The Right One?”
The fact that you never felt any physical chemistry at any point in your relationships, even at the beginning of your relationship, and that you simply decided to follow your “logic” rather than listen to your heart and intuition, makes me think that part of you already felt like she was not the right one for you. But you decided not to listen to that part of yourself and decided to marry her anyway, just because you thought it would be a good idea. You thought that since you felt mental chemistry, you two thought alike, had similar values, etc., that all that would make up for the lack of physical chemistry.
If this is how you felt, and if in your heart you feel like she is not the right one for you, it is best not only for you and your wife, but also for your daughter, for you to leave and to find a relationship where you can be happy. While your wife may not be your right life partner, you two might have been the right ones to learn some important life lessons together to pave the way for an even better relationship for both of you later on.
Now realize that whether you decide to leave or try to work this through with your wife, it is very important that you take and continue to take full responsibility for your mistakes.
I believe all of us go through painful life experiences in order to further learn and grow. While, of course, we never want to hurt anyone or be hurt ourselves, pain in life is inevitable. But we don’t have to suffer. You have made some mistakes, yes. You have hurt your wife, yes. But we are all human and we make mistakes and we deserve to be forgiven. While we cannot avoid making mistakes, once we have made them we now have a choice. Are you going to accept, take responsibility, seek forgiveness, and learn from them or decide to just brush them aside and repeat them?
Whether you choose to divorce her or not, I recommend that you take some time to reflect on your life and values and begin the process of healing your own heart and amending to your own mistakes. You can do that by staying connected to our community, subscribing to my ebook that will explain a very powerful healing process, taking time to reflect on your life and the mistakes that you have made, and most importantly, start having an open dialogue with your wife about your marriage.
Your wife deserves someone in her life that is connected to her physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and treats her with love and respect – and so do you.
Have you ever thought to yourself: “I have cheated, what should I now do?” What do you think about this delicate situation? Should he divorce her? What do you think would be the best for their daughter? Share your thoughts, show your support, and leave us comments?
