Why Do Men Often Seem Like They Are Unwilling To Help?
If you are a woman, chances are you have at one point or another been in the company of an uncooperative man. ☺ Whether it has been your husband, your boyfriend, or maybe your son, I am sure you have felt frustration and have had some of the following thoughts: “How dare he not to help me or want to do this for me, after all I’ve done for him.”
It is true that men sometimes are unwilling to help. The real truth, however, is that this may happen far less frequently than you think. So, why does it seem that men are unwilling to help you?
Let’s start by uncovering this mystery one layer at a time. The first reason men often seem uncooperative is that we are simply very different from women. You may interpret our natural reactions very differently, and while we think we are being cooperative, you simply assume we are not. The way we men see, react, and respond to the world around us is very different from the way you do. To borrow my mentor Dr. John Gray’s analogy, it often really is as if we men and women are from different planets. And so often if we simply would accept that we are different we would not automatically and mistakenly assume that we are always correct in interpreting our partners. Now, of course this is not to say that one sex is better than the other. This does mean that without the important recognition that we are different it is impossible for us to respect and positively understand each other.
The key to having more loving relationships starts from learning to understand – in a more positive way – how men and women are different. The truth is that all frustrations can be reduced to small misunderstandings. This may be hard to believe. After all, if you have gone through a lot of frustrating times in your life, particularly with men, it’s hard to accept that you might have misunderstood your partner, because this implies that some of your frustrations might not have been justified.
My intentions are not to invalidate your feelings. After all, we have to understand that each of us is doing our best, given the knowledge and situations that we are in. In other words, none of us is perfect; we all get frustrated with out partners at times, no matter how good our relationship is.
Now, with the intention of bringing even more love and support into your life, let’s get back to the topic at hand.
How is it that you may be mistakenly interpreting your man as being uncooperative when he might in fact not be? If you asked him to go pick up the shirts from the cleaner’s, for example, and the response you get is simply some mumbling or other indecipherable noises, you may automatically interpret this as a complaint or rejection. However, this is rarely, if ever, the real meaning or interpretation of this reaction from a man.
My mentor, Dr. John Gray, calls this phenomenon “a man having the case of the grumbles.” What this really means is that he is simply in the process of considering your request. Before you laugh in disbelief about what I’ve just said, let’s first explore why you may be incorrectly interpreting this reaction in the first place.
The truth is that you intuitively often interpret his response to mean what it would mean if you did it, which is very different from what it means when he does it. If you are guy reading this article, note that if a woman grumbles after being asked to do something, it is a clear indication that if she will do what you asked of her, she will resent it later on.
For example, if she had taken the kids to school, gone to work, picked the kids up later in the day, come home and cleaned and cooked, and then had to deal with her husband coming in and saying: “Hey honey, would you go pick up the clothing from the cleaner’s? I really want to wear those favorite blue jeans of mine for our party tonight.” She would grumble a little, but go and do it anyway. She won’t be happy about it, and she will remember the sacrifice she made for you and make you “pay” for it later ☺.
Now, if you are a woman reading this, you may be saying: “Well Mikko, so what you are saying is that this is not the man’s experience?” Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. In fact, ironically we have completely the opposite reaction if we went through with your request after grumbling. Allow me to explain.
First of all, the real reason men grumble is because our brains really are different. For one, we are much less equipped to do more than one thing at a time, as opposed to women who can multitask very comfortably. For example, if a guy has already made some plans to work on the computer for his project, and you interrupt by asking him to go get the clothes from the cleaner’s, the real cause of the grumbling is that he has to make the shift from concentrating on his computer to concentrating on your request, and what makes it harder, is that he has to consider changing his plans and picking up the laundry.
Here is my favorite illustration of how men’s and women’s brains are different. Next time he is on the cell phone, interrupt him and try to get his attention. Just try to say whatever seems somewhat appropriate. First of all, notice how frustrated he may get that you interrupt him; second, if you are able to get his attention, notice how he has to say to the caller something like: “Hold on a second,” then he has to put the phone away from his ear, then take a moment to collect his thoughts, and finally try to make his brain available to listen to what you have to say. Of course, don’t try this if you know he has an important business call, and make sure to thank him later for his attention ☺.
You probably don’t have that much difficulty switching your attention. In fact, you may be able to talk on the phone, cook his favorite meal, take care of your baby, and even hear the conversation your husband is having with his friend on the phone, all at the same time.
Back to my point. When you make a request for him to do something, realize that by the time he is trying to switch his attention to considering your request and maybe change his plans, you might already be saying: “Okay, never mind, then.” ☺
Furthermore, realize that even if it seems that he is going to resent you for having to do what you asked him to do, this is almost never a guy’s experience. Let’s go back to our example to explore this further. He just sat down at his computer, ready to get focused on some work or just relax, and now you ask him to go to the cleaner’s. He seems to grumble, but you use the technique you will soon learn about, and he actually gets up and is on his way.
This is what happens. As he walks out the door, he may still be grumbling little, thinking to himself: “Gosh, why couldn’t she do it? I really wanted just to relax and watch the Daily Show with John Stewart, online.” Now he gets to his car, and once he is halfway to the cleaner’s, he actually starts to focus on his new goal, which is to get the laundry. He may speed a little, trying to get there and back as fast as possible to raise his testosterone levels. As he walks into the cleaner’s store, he may already feel a little proud of himself as to how fast he got there. At this point, he has probably completely forgotten that you had ever even asked him to pick up the laundry. As he gives the money to the clerk, he tells her braggingly (as if to say what a great husband he is): “Yes, I came to pick up my wife’s dress; we are going to a gala event together tonight.” As he walks back to the car and drives back home, he is feeling great about himself. He may even start to anticipate how happy you will be to get your dress back. He may start to further connect with his feelings of love that he has for you. He may start to remember how much he really loves and cares about you and how much he wants to make you happy. As he walks through the front door, he feels like your knight in shining armor, your hero, who went and killed the dragon to save his princess.
On an emotional level, this is really how most guys often feel. This is when he has done something as simple as pick up the laundry for you. You may even have witnessed this, looked at him, and thought: “Why does he stand there and look like he has just saved the whole world?”
So the more advanced technique to motivating a guy to help and support you is that after you have asked him to do something for you, simply pause; don’t say anything. (For the first part of this advice on asking, see my article: The Secret To Getting A Guy To Do Anything You Want.) If he grumbles, let him grumble for a while. If he still does not seem motivated, repeat the request and add the word “please.” Then pause and wait again. If he still seems hesitant, you can make the request almost irresistible and add something like: “Honey, would you please go to the cleaner’s for me? They have my favorite dress – the one that really sparkles, and I would love to wear it tonight. It would make me so happy.” Again, pause and trust that if he can do it, he will.
And to really reinforce this behavior, make sure to give him a big thank you after he follows through. And there you have it, until the next follow-up article explaining what to do when he says no. In the meanwhile, share your experiences. Have you tried it? Did it work for you? What happened? Please come back and share your thoughts.
