Mikko, Can Exes Just Be Friends?
Dear Mikko,
I’ve met this guy online. We have had a series of chats and e-mail conversations. We seem to match surprisingly well, and all of the communications so far have gone smoothly. He seems like a very kind, sweet, considerate, and attentive man.
That is, until he told me about three friends of his who are still very dear to him, who all happen to be his exes. Should this alarm me? I just have not had experience with such an issue yet, and I don’t really know what to think. Personally, I don’t like the idea of a close friendship with an ex. I can’t imagine myself having such a relationship with one or more exes of my own.
I told him that it would be difficult for me to deal with the fact that he was still close to three women with whom he previously had intimate relationships. His answer to me was that to him this is purely a question of trust, and that partners are partners because they trust each other completely. He also said that partners should let each other be completely free in their association with others, even if those others happen to be their exes. Mikko, what is your opinion on this?
Online Dater, Europe
Dear Online Dater,
What a great question. Can exes truly just be friends? My first response to this question is simple: Yes, I do believe that exes can be friends. In fact, in a perfect world and with a healthy ending to a relationship, partners should be able to feel the love they had for each other in the beginning, and wish each other well after a break-up or divorce.
Sometimes, this means remaining friends or acquaintances, while at other times there may be only loving memories left. In my own life, I still hold my exes dear to my heart, and still feel the love I shared with them. I cherish all the beautiful memories. And although in some instances we haven’t really remained friends simply because our paths have grown so far apart, with others I do have a good friendship.
Having said that, however, this does not mean that in all cases, when you break up or divorce, that you should or even can remain friends. But at the very least, it is important that we learn to wish each other well from a place of love whenever we end a relationship. (If you are reading this and would like to learn more about how to do this, or how to create a proper closure to a relationship even when your partner may be unwilling to cooperate, make sure to read my other article: “Grieving After Loss Of A Loved One. ” You can also insert your name and email address to receive my free e-book that will teach you a very powerful healing method.)
If it is hard for you to imagine that you could be friends with any of your exes, it is understandable that you have some doubts when someone else says he can. So, my first comment would be for you to examine the way you ended your own relationships. Were you able to end your relationships from a place of love and trust? Oftentimes, when we feel betrayed after a relationship, if we don’t take the proper time to heal, grieve, and forgive, it becomes very hard for us to open up and trust someone else again. Ironically, this sometimes leads us to pushing away those people that we should trust and being attracted to those we should not trust. (To learn more about this concept, read my article: “Should You Date A Guy Who Is Already Taken.”)
So, now that we have explored that, let’s get back to your original question: Should you feel alarmed that your online attraction keeps three of his exes dear to his heart?
My answer to that is maybe or maybe not. You see, there is another reality, which is that guys remain friends with women because there is often some other motive besides the friendship. In other words, when guys are friends with women, they are often attracted to each other at least on some level, or they may be business partners, co-workers sharing project together, or maybe have all kinds of other reasons to stay connected.
This means that it is also normal to question a guy who says he is simply a friend to a woman. So, while, I believe it is possible for couples to remain friends after a break-up or divorce, I think it is also very important for you to listen to your gut feeling about this man, because certainly there will always be men who are eager to try and convince you that they are just friends with their exes, while conveniently failing to mention that those exes may also come with some other friendly benefits.
While it is possible that his being a friend of his exes can be a sign that he is a mature person, it is also possible that he has not yet properly ended that relationship and is not ready to move on. To make that judgment easier, it would be a good idea for you to ask yourself these questions: Does he seem like a responsible, honest guy? Do you have some other reason to doubt what he is saying? When he says that he is still friendly with his exes, on a more practical level, what exactly does this mean? Does he still see these women on a regular basis or is he innocently saying that he really was able to end these relationships on amicable terms?
I do agree with him on one thing – in order for you to have a good relationship, it is important that you trust a man and his intentions, whether it will be this person or someone else. Wish you the best!
Share your thoughts. Are you still friends with your exes? Does this man seem trustworthy to you? What would you do in a similar situation? Do you think it is possible for exes just be friends?
