Mikko, Does The 80/20 Principle Apply In Relationships?
If you’ve been in business, owned your own company, or worked for a corporation, you have probably heard about the 80/20 principle before. Here’s what this could mean in various business settings: Twenty percent of your clients bring 80% of your business; or 20% of your employees do 80% of the work; or you get 80% of the productivity by concentrating on 20% of the most important things to do; and so on.
I recently heard about someone trying to figure out whether the 80/20 rule could apply to relationships as well. This person asked: “Mikko what do you think about the theory that you can get a maximum of 80% of the things you want out of a romantic relationship with one person?” Good question. The issue is that instead of happily enjoying the 80%, many people focus on the missing 20%. And in the process of looking into other relationships to fill that missing bit, people invariably end up throwing away the 80% that they already have.
Well, there is a lot of truth here. Unfortunately, many of us tend to focus only on the negative or on what is missing in our lives, and by doing so; we often forget to acknowledge the positive and what we already have. When we are healthy and feeling good, we don’t appreciate our bodies. Many of us are not even aware of our bodies until we get sick or feel like something is missing. When we are driving and in a hurry, we only notice the red lights, and hardly ever the green.
In relationships, we seek the perfect person because we feel like something is missing. We might have met a wonderful woman, she appreciates everything we do, she is happy, successful, smart, and beautiful, and yet, we feel like something is missing. Rather than appreciate what we have and be satisfied, we choose to throw away everything and pursue that perfect woman who can give 100% of what we want.
Why do we do that? The first reality is that this pursuit for perfection is really a neurosis. It stems from our feelings of inadequacies, a notion that is sometimes dictated by society. Often, what is really missing is some part of yourself that you still have not found. Our partners, or the situations we become attracted to in life, are really often mirrors to our own inadequacies and internal emotions and beliefs.
For example, when you feel unsatisfied with your life, you might suddenly start feeling that your partner is just not doing enough with his life, is not that interesting or stimulating, or maybe that he is just not that good looking. But looking deeper into yourself, what you might find is that your partner is really reflecting how you feel about yourself.
The truth is that there is no perfect person out there able to give you 100% of what you want and need.
Don’t misunderstand. While there is no perfect person, this does not mean that you can’t find a perfect person for you. The difference is that while no one is perfect, it is possible for you to find a perfect match for you, where you take into account the imperfections of both of you, and grow to love each other in spite of them.
This does not mean that you have to settle either. Sometimes a person is just not the right one for you. (To learn more of what I mean by this, read my article: “How Do You Know You Have Found The Right One?” or my other article: “Understanding When Love Is Not Enough.”
What I am saying is that it is important for you to become aware that while a person may not be right for you, to blame someone else for not feeling satisfied in your relationship is simply a waste of time and it strips you from the power to change.
While no one person can give you 100% of what you need, what he or she can give is 100% to satisfy your need for a romantic relationship as well as what you need in order to learn more about loving each other. What this means that really sometimes you will feel like she is 60% of everything you want, and at other times you might feel like she is giving you 100% of everything you want.
It is also very important that we learn to recognize that in reality we always have what we need in our lives, but when we feel like we do not, we are simply looking in the wrong direction. For example, often we expect our partners to replace our need for our friends, for our family, and for God or higher power and inadvertently expect them to be our ultimate source of happiness when what we really need to do is to cultivate all of these relationship instead.
You have heard the cliché, you can’t change others, you can only change yourself. Well, it is true. If you want to feel more satisfied and find the “perfect” person for you, start by working on yourself first, because it is our internal state, the way we feel and think, that reflects in our choices and in the kind of relationships we create.
If you feel inadequate or do not love yourself the way you are, no matter how much someone will love you, at some point you will feel that he/she is not enough. Having more love in your life is not going to always happen by changing your partner, but rather by learning to love yourself more. (If you are interested learning about this concept in greater detail, make sure to subscribe to my ebook on the right.)
If you have gone through some horrible life events, do not misconstrue the above remarks to mean that somehow you have deserved or been solely responsible for attracting them. This is not what I am saying either.
All of us in this world have faced certain challenges unique to us. What I am saying is that the more you take personal responsibility for what you attract and receive in life, the more power you will have to improve your circumstances, regardless of what has happened to you in the past.
The feeling of only getting only 80% out of a romantic relationship is simply an illusion we have created. The deeper truth is, as I said before, that we are always receiving 100% of what we need in life. When we feel otherwise, we are simply looking in the wrong direction. And to receive even more, you don’t have to start by looking for a better partner, but you need to look at how you can change yourself and your own relationships.
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