I completely agree with you that majority of the time when a woman is frustrated or upset it has nothing to do with you.

For an almost fool proof way to know whether she is mad at you or at something else, check the second part to the art of
apology series here.

I think you also bring up a great point about the dangers of a conditional apology.

And here is my take on how to steer away from those dangers: Art Of Apology (Part III of IV)

We appreciate your input Aris!

I’ve been on both sides of the situation and there are a few qualifiers I might add to the advice.

This situation assumes that you do realize that your partner is upset and that it is somewhat related to you. If you really don’t think you did anything wrong, an apology for something you don’t know about is almost like shooting yourself in the foot!

I believe that a sincere expression of sympathy or affection can diffuse any difficult or potentially confrontational situation.

“I’m sorry” is for the most part, extremely effective at diffusing things BUT can put strain on the person saying it, especially if there is no real understanding of exactly what the wrong doing is/was that generated the “upset” feelings

Once can say “I’m sorry” as a way to let someone know that they are sympathetic and that shared observation can go a long long way. It acknowledges the other person in a much more intimate way while not admitting to a wrong doing that might not have even taken place.

Don’t get me wrong here, if you have any inkling that you had a hand in getting your partner upset – you should own up to it without hesitation.

Most of the time, both parties are still getting to know each other, so its more likely that who the real “wrong doer” is, is not so clear.

I think that as long as one person in the pair that’s involved in this situation is calm enough to do so (and yes, that’s usually the guy but not always), an honest expression of affection and genuine concern to improve the situation is the best remedy. After all, its hard to stay mad at someone you care for if they openly express how much they care for you with affection and concern.

It doesn’t always mean saying “I’m sorry”. Sometimes it just means staying open, acknowledging the hurt/upset emotions that are there and wanting to work to make things better.

Lauren touches on an idea that is really the source of most of my disagreement with Mikko’s methodology. In my limited experience, most the time, women are upset for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Assuming that you are at fault and basing your actions on the idea that you are causing her to be upset, can easily make her more upset.

But, on the other hand, I have also been bit a number of times with Lauren’s conditional apologies. While they help to diffuse things when your lady is not upset at you, the conditional apologies can easily be used as an excuse to escalate things should she actually be upset at you. There is nothing more fun than hearing, “What do you mean ‘IF’ you did something wrong???!!!”

At the same time, I am a full believer in taking responsibility when no one else steps up to the plate. I am a huge advocate for the environment and I hear all the time “I do my part.” We have to do more than just our part if the world is going to be a better place. I think this also applies to relationships.

When there is tension in the home and no one is talking about what is really going on, I think its important for someone to do more than their part and take responsibility. This doesn’t need to come in the guise of “Im sorry I messed up,” when you don’t know what you did or if its even your “fault.” i live by the conditional apology: “I am so sorry IF I upset you. I love you and I want you to know I am here if you want to talk about anything.”

It is so easy to take out our frustrations from work, from road rage, from life on our partner because it’s “safe.” If your partner gives you ANY excuse to legitimize your frustration toward them then it turns into a fight or worse, a cold war. So when your lady is upset, rather than take it personally and react, try doing more than your part. Take the first step with a conditional apology. This will soften her right up and most of time she will respond with “Oh no. I am so sorry. I didn’t get my promotion today and I’ve been taking it out on you.” Or it might be, “Thank you. You know, I know its stupid but when you promised you’d do the dishes last night and you didn’t, it made me feel like you didn’t appreciate me.” Either way, its an invitation to your partner to express what is really going on without making you feel inauthentic.

If you are interested, check out my column “Guys Are From Mars, Girls Are From Venus” at marsvenusliving.com.

Thanks Mikko for inviting me over, this was fun!