24 December 2009 ~ Comments

Dear Mikko, Should I Continue To Date In The Salsa Scene?

Dating and Salsa Dancing Dealing With Cheating

salsa and cheating

Photo by Dan Clements

Dear Mikko, what’s your take on salsa relationships? How can one have a successful relationship/marriage while being involved in salsa where there is so much flirtation, deception and sleeping around? Just yesterday I found out that one of my salsa friends wants to leave her husband because of an affair she is carrying on with her salsa partner (who is in a long term “committed” relationship with someone who he has already cheated on in the past with a salsa girl). And she’s already cheated on him once before with another salsa guy. It just seems like just a messy, ugly, nasty place to be while dating… Any thoughts?

Salsa Dancer

Dear Salsa Dancer,

What a great question! Is it really possible to have a successful relationship or marriage while being a salsa dancer?

Before I go to my answer, let me first write a little about salsa dancing for those of you who have not been involved with it.

First of all, without a doubt salsa dancing can be described as a very passionate and sexy dance. For a short sample, see a video clip of the recent world salsa champions Luis Aguilar and Anya Katsevman dancing their winning routine here.

Salsa dancing by its very nature seems to attract many beautiful (beauty defined here as what society generally deems as beautiful) people to the events. Women get permission to wear their hottest and sexiest outfits and many men also dress to impress on the dance floor.

Furthermore, the dance includes close contact and sensual moves and poses, so no wonder in many people’s minds the temptation for salsa to lead from the dance floor to something more off the floor can seem to be great.

To read another related article where I discuss whether I think it is even possible for salsa partners to remain “just partners”, go here: “Can Salsa Dance Partners Be Just Partners”.

And to finally add even more validity to your doubts, I recently heard about some statistics that rank artists such as dancers (among with some other groups like entertainers, etc.) belonging to the category of most likely to have divorce or affairs.

As an avid salsa dancer, I have certainly seen and experienced it myself; the temptations to have a little too much fun that can follow with being involved with the salsa dance scene.

As a short disclaimer, if you are reading this and have not ever been to salsa event and decide to go, what you may find is that it just might be one of the most fun things that you will experience in your lifetime. So be careful before trying ☺.

And now with that said and in all seriousness, let’s get back to your question. Is it really possible to have a successful relationship or marriage while being a salsa dancer?

My answer is, of course it is.

In my opinion far more important to the success of your relationship than deciding to stay away from salsa dancing is to become open to learning more relationship skills, learning to communicate more effectively with your partner, learning to understand male female differences in a more positive way, and to work on developing yourself more as a person, all skills that you can learn by visiting my blog frequently ☺.

Just the fact that you are reading this blog tells me that you are already way on your way to success in having a better relationship, so make sure to check and find more other articles on the top right hand corner of this page. In fact, to make sure you get my new articles, make sure to put your name and e-mail to the right of this article (you will also receive my free e-book once I’ll finish it).

But enough about me advertising myself ☺ and back to your answer.

Ultimately, it is not really salsa that is bad, but we the people or dancers who may in some case make it so.

To illustrate what I mean, let me pose a couple of questions.

Should we choose not to become a politician or engage in politics because Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and many others decided to have an affair? Or should we decide not to engage in sports because Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, or Roger Clemens and many other have had an affair?

I hope you answered, of course not.

Because my point in using these celebrity examples is that it is not necessarily a particular hobby or profession that you have like salsa dancing that leads you to flirtation, deception, or sleeping around but rather the person or the character that you are or have become.

To illustrate this idea even further, let’s compare salsa dancing to drinking alcohol.

Just like some use alcohol to get drunk and overtime might end up destroying their life and relationships along with it, others at the same time are able to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine with a dinner amongst good friends only to enhance their social relationships.

And to take this example even furthermore, for many wine might even symbolize something spiritual like drinking the blood of the Christ, just like salsa dancing can be spiritual experience for many.

In fact, as a little history bit, many of the Afro-Cuban dances and music that are considered to be the roots of salsa were often used as instruments for the body and mind of the dancers to develop and further once spiritual growth.

So do I think you should continue to dance salsa? I really could not tell. What I ultimately always recommend is for you to follow your heart. I certainly recognize that salsa dancing is not for everyone, just like drinking alcohol is not.

Just as a side note, while I do think salsa can have drug like effects on the body, I certainly think it is a much healthier drug than alcohol :) .

But just because some of your friends or I might love and enjoy salsa, if it does not make you feel comfortable and leave you feeling good about yourself, I would not recommend you to do it.

If you see salsa dancing events just as a messy, ugly, nasty places to be while dating, I would recommend you to stay away from them. Life is too short as it is, so make sure that you do what in your heart feels right and don’t let anyone else steer you away from following it!

What do you think? Share your thoughts below. Do you think salsa dancing can lead to deception and cheating?


Hey, now that you have taken the time to read my article, please take a little more a make sure to leave me a comment below :) or take a look at some of my other articles here!

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  • OMG ...some of these questions and so immature dripping with an underlying religious morality which i personnaly find unbearable ... If you have problem with this is not salsa which has to be questionned by the uneasiness and unhealthy relationshio people have with their bodies and sensuality. I spent a month in Cuba dancing salsas every night with many different men who were so happy and proud to teach me and there was never a question of turning this into an advantage to try to sleep with me ...!
  • sportflirt
    My last boyfriend was not a salsero, and it caused soooo many problems!He couldn't handle all the pictures with flirty poses from congresses and parties, or the idea of other men 'handling' me while dancing, even though I was faithful the whole time. I'm now dating my dance partner, and it's been great. I do a great deal more social dancing than he does, but he 'gets' the scene, and neither of us freak out when we go and dance with others. Like the last commenter mentioned, there is an acceptance of the sport flirting that salsa engenders. It makes me happy to watch him get an awesome dance, and actually gives me a thrill to see that other women want to dance with him, but know that at the end of the night, he's mine!
  • I find "Salsa Dancer's" implication to be insulting. To say that dancing leads to promiscuous behavior is ridiculous. Wasn't that the sentiment being shared by puritanical religious people during the 1950's in the United States? It's a bit cliche to say that dancing leads to naughty behavior, but so what if it's true? It seems that some people do have a problem with other people being happy most likely because they are not happy themselves.

    Dancing may be a vehicle for some to use to meet people, but if they are slutty to begin with, then yes, they will be sleeping around. I personally don't see the problem with someone being in more than one relationship at once as long as they are open about it. I don't want to digress too much since polyamory is a different topic altogether, but the salsa scene for some people is used for exactly that, exploring relationships with more than one person at one time. I have been dancing salsa for 3 years now and I have seen this several times just in the last few years.

    The person in question probably shouldn't have "cheated", but the fact that they did indicates that something was wrong with their current relationship. At least now, their act of cheating brought to light whatever was not working in their existing relationship.
  • Thanks for your response Michael.

    I don't think Salsa Dancers intentions were to insult anyone. I think she had a genuine concern about dating in the salsa scene.

    Certainly, in the salsa scene like in many other places you may come across with disrespectful and dishonest people also. There is also a lot to be said about being concerned with the people you generally associate yourself with and the effects that those people may have on you.

    For example, I remember when I was about 16 years old and we had some ballroom dancers in our high-school. At the time I thought I was this hot shot basketball player, and I used to think that all of those dancers were gay. At that time there would not have been anyway that you could have tried to make me hang out with those guys as I was afraid some of my friends would have started to make fun of me or think that I was gay also.

    Having said that, I personally love salsa dancing and have had great experiences meeting many wonderful dancers and salsa couples. And in retrospect, I only wish I would have hang out with some of those Finnish ballroom dancers as I could have been so much better dancers by now :).

    Thanks again for your comment Michael! You might be interested to comment on my article about polyamory as well where I argue against it being a good idea :).

    http://relationship-journal.com/2009/09/11/poly...
  • MarriedSalsaMan
    Excellent response Mikko. To take one aspect of it further, I can say not only did I meet my wife dancing salsa and we are very much monogamous and in love, we both have permission to be openly flirtatious (to a point) in our dance lives. Sure, once and a while I get jealous when I see her with a salsa crush, but most of the time I am very happy for her that she can experience feeling attractive to another man and appreciate herself.

    What I think it most important however, is that she has no problem appreciating herself without that other person, and that we are both open to discussing all aspects of whatever we are feeling about these salsa crushes. We might talk in the car on the way home, and if I ask her about someone she will say something like "Yah, he was HOT". And we will both smile and laugh.

    Its so refreshingly honest to me that I wouldn't have it any other way.

    If I had a caveat about the salsa scene, I think it does attract more lotharios and whatever the female counterpart of that it is, than many other pursuits....and so sure, use caution. If there was a reason I didn't want to date in the salsa scene, in fact, it was because salsa is what I love and I was afraid if I had a lot of X's scattered around the scene it would transform my favorite outlet for recreation.

    Don't let the scene discourage you. There are many great men and women out there. But do use caution....and go slow!
  • Thanks for your response MarriedSalsaMan! I agree, trust and honesty is really the key and it is beautiful to watch when couples like you share that on and off the dance floor. All of the best for you two!
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