Dear Mikko, Is He Saying I Am Too Independent?
Photo by Bodoggirl
Dear Mikko,
I am in a relationship with an older, once married divorced man. He is a total macho and a gentleman. For the most part we both travel a lot and we don’t get to see each other that often, maybe once every week or two weeks. When we decide to go out we compare calendars to try to find some time that works for both. Every time we do see each other we have sex like rabbits, in fact for the first couple of months I was not so sure whether we were just sex buddies. But recently he mentioned that he wanted to take it slow. I feel like I gave him his space, but then he said that I am too cold to him. He says that he does not like that we are not like the best friends. But how can we best friends? I think he is saying I am too independent, too proper, and don’t reach out to him, or something. But I just don’t want to appear needy and sound too excited to see him. Lately, I have just been feeling like the guy in this situation. I am confused and don’t know what to do. Mikko, any thoughts?
- Confused, California
Dear Confused from California,
Sounds to me like you got a guy who is confused on what he wants. He was first enjoying just having sex with you, but now complains that you are not also his best friend. You gave him his space, but he now wants you to be warmer towards him. No wonder you are confused, just reading your question made my head spin too.
First of all, it is good to realize that just because a guy is older or has been in a marriage before does not necessarily equate to him now being more mature or wiser because of it. And in fact, sometimes men who act as total machos and who first come out as complete gentlemen do it really as a way to try to hide their true insecurities.
It is always easier to pretend to be something you are not. The truth is that the most difficult thing in any relationship is to be your fully authentic and vulnerable self, and to allow your partner to love you for who you truly you are.
Now before, I get my male audience all revved up here ☺, I am in no way saying or trying to imply that there is something wrong with being comfortable with your masculinity nor would I ever suggest that you should not be a gentleman. In fact, I am arguing the opposite.
For example, if the guy in question here just wanted to have sex, I believe that the most macho gentlemanly thing to do would have been simply to be honest and have enough balls to say so ☺. To see what I mean, read my article, “I Want Sex, Should I Be Honest?”
But now because of whatever his reasons, this gentleman has left you completely confused instead. It could be that he did only want to have sex with you and he is now scared to leave you for a fear of hurting your feelings. Or maybe you were there to comfort his feelings from a brake-up or a divorce and now that you have helped him come over it, he wants to move on. Or maybe he really does like you, but because you two jumped into intimacy right away, he is now having mixed feelings and wants to have some space to sort it all out.
But rather than try to rack our brains to figure out those reasons, let me instead tell you a little more about men in general.
First of all, you are not the only woman confused trying to understand men. To ponder whether “To need or not to need a guy” is equivalent in complexity to Prince of Denmark pondering: ”To be or not to be” in the play Hamlet.
While the truth is that we men hate needy women, we love to feel needed. And it is very important that you understand the difference. While every man easily knows the difference, many women do not. Allow me to explain.
Men love it when you are excited and happy to see them or talk to them. This would not make you appear needy; on the contrary, it would make a man feel like he makes a difference in your life. That is to say, that he would feel like he makes you happy, which is what all men ultimately want. This in turn always makes you more attractive to him and at the same time leaves him feeling like he is actually needed in your life.
Being needy means that you give him exactly the opposite message, which is that whatever he does is not enough to make you happy. When ever a guy fails to make you happy, part of him feels like he is not enough. In other words, he might start to feel like you demand or want more than he is able to give you. This is what makes women appear needy. It is when a woman demands more from a guy in a complaining way that she appears needy.
To understand this idea in more detail and to make sure you don’t unknowingly give your man the message that you are needy but that you simply need him instead, please read my other article: “I Am Independent And Successful, Why Aren’t Men Attracted To Me?”
Now if you are a woman reading this, I am not saying that you should just sit still and wait there your entire life to hope that one-day prince charming will come and rescue you. Nor do I mean that if you are in a relationship that you are now prohibited to ask for more from a guy because you should not appear needy.
So with that said, here is my advice to you.
If you are starting to feel like you deserve something better, I recommend you to read a great recent article that my good friend Lauren wrote about how to find a great man for the year 2010☺. In the article she wisely talks about the power of intention along with some great practical dating tips.
If, on the other hand, you do still enjoy your relationship with this man and want to continue it, it is time that you stop thinking about what it is that he wants or how you could please him, and start thinking more about what you would like and want instead.
To do this it is important that you continue to appreciate what he does do right while at the same time learn to be receptive and learn the art of asking for even more.
For example, if you would like to have more intimate conversations instead of just having sex, it is important that you learn to ask for them. Next time you are on a date with him or see him and he is making his moves for sex, for example, simply tell him: “Honey, I love having sex with you and I know you really want and miss me, let’s do it little later, I miss so much just chatting and connecting with you face to face, would you just listen to what has been going on in my life for the past couple of weeks?”
Remember, asking for what you want does not make you appear needy. It is how you respond to him after you have asked for what you wanted that in some case might.
For example, if after the above request, he says: “No, I am really tired, I just came from a week long work trip, I would just rather have sex”. What would make you appear needy is if you respond to him something like: “How dear you, all I am asking is to talk with you for a couple of minutes, we never talk anyway, I can’t believe you treat me this way” and then give him a disgusted look.
But when you respond to him nicely and say: “Well, I understand, it is really nice to see you again and thanks for coming by, how about you go and relax for awhile, and we’ll chat and have sex later?” that will only affirm to him that you love and appreciate him for who he is. At the same time you have lovingly communicated your wants for even more.
To find out my secrets on how to get a man to do almost anything you want read my other article here 
.
I now realize I have made this sound like a business deal where women trades emotional intimacy to physical intimacy and vice versa ☺, which would be another interesting conversation altogether, but my point is this: While there is really nothing you can do about the fact that he is confused about your relationship, what you can do is to take responsibility for the one person that you can do something about, and that is you.
The more you learn to understanding men in a more positive way while learning better communication skills, the more dating success you will have. Let us know what happens. Wishing you all of the best!
Share your thought below! Have you ever been in a similar situation? What would your advice be?
