Dear Mikko, Should I Really Take Your Relationship Advice?
Dear Mikko, I just read your article “Should You Date A Guy Who Is Already Taken?” on your blog post. I really like your relationship advice. This post particularly well described how I am feeling and what I am going through right now. I feel like the guy that I am seeing is not the perfect one for me, but still for some reason I cannot help but be attracted to him.
I met him at school. At the time we met he had not seen his girlfriend for 4 months (his girlfriend lives and works in a different city). They’ve been in a relationship for three years together. But he keeps telling me how attracted he is to me and how I fill his void while we go to school together. He is on a break from school right now, and I know he’s with his girlfriend, but every time I call him he says he is just visiting and staying with one of his friends instead. He keeps telling how he can’t wait to come back to start school again and see me.
Mikko, what should I do? Should I believe what he is saying? Am I just a sexual conquest to him? If I keep seeing him what would the possible outcome be? And if I decided to end this, how can I do it without ruining our friendship?
~ Tormented Heart
Dear Tormented Heart,
Thank you for your questions, and thanks for reading my relationship advice. It seems like your gut feeling is that this guy is not the perfect one for you. In this case, I happen to agree with your gut, and my advice is to listen to it. I think you deserve better also.
After all, you are dating a guy who is lying and being secretive to his partner, and therefore you should be very cautious to trust anything he says.
However, I want to assure you that it is completely normal to feel attracted to someone and yet have a feeling like they are not the perfect one for you. Believe me that has happened to me a couple of times also.
Sometimes you may even end up in a long term relationship with someone, perhaps even get married to him/her, while your heart is feeling like he/she is not the right one for you all along.
In a more broad philosophical sense we are all meant to face certain challenges and difficulties in life to learn certain lessons in our journey to continue to grow in love in this world.
There was a time in my life, when I was young and immature, and I was cheating on my girlfriend. To read more about my theory of why men cheat here. I then met a girl that I found really attractive and I really liked her. But because she knew I was in a relationship with someone else, she did not want to have anything to do with me.
I still remember what an impact that incidence had on me at the time. I remember thinking, how is it possible that she did not want to have anything to do with me; after all I thought I was this hotshot basketball player ☺. At the time I realized that if I wanted her, I would actually have to change for better. Because she respected herself it made me respect her even more. I realized that I did not really need someone to fill my void, but that I needed to grow up instead.
The reason I am saying this is that by leaving your boyfriend not only do I think you will be doing the best thing for you, but most likely you will be doing the best thing for him also.
When ever you decide and believe that you deserve better, that is the start of something better entering into your life.
Of course, if the sex, the hope for emotional intimacy, or something else that you are receiving from him keeps you from leaving him, there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop you from dating him.
But I do know this. Every time the moment I have decided that I deserved something better, no matter how hard it was sometimes for me to believe that I deserved it, my life has always become better as a result of it.
So to break up with him, this is what I recommend you tell him:
“(Insert his name), I have really had a great time with you. You are a really nice person and I know that you care for me. But the more I have gotten to know you the more I have just realized that we are not the right ones for each other, so I have decided to move on and so I wont be seeing you anymore.”
When you say this (or any other form of it that may fit your personality better) it is best to do in a loving, yet firm tone of voice. Avoid sounding judgmental or to give him any explanations. Simply tell him the truth that you are simply feeling like you are not the right ones for each other.
Be aware that he may say start telling you all kind of charming stories about how attractive you and how much you are filling his void.
And if he does not believe you, simply repeat the same phrase over again until he does. You don’t need to give him any explanations, simply stay firm and repeat the phrase, especially if he happens to get upset or tries to control you.
Often the challenges that we face in life in some way also reflect some deeper wounds from earlier times of our life that we have not yet healed.
To learn more about how you can heal some of these wounds, make sure to subscribe to receive my eBook on the right side of this screen (As soon as I have it finished, I will send it to you via e-mail. It is one of my new years resolutions to complete it ☺).
It is also often very hard to give a good thorough answer without fully understanding your situation, after all each and every situation is always different.
Therefore, I also want you to be aware that I do offer dating coaching services over the phone or through Skype chat. To learn more information about them see my coaching services.
Personal coaching is often particularly helpful when you want to find greater inner clarity within yourself to any questions or challenges that you maybe going or facing in your life. Just know that I am here to support.
Happy New Years! Wishing you all of the best, and thanks again for reading my relationship advice!
