17 February 2010 ~ Comments

Should You See Race When Dating?

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Should You See Race When Dating?

Have you ever thought about dating someone with a different racial or cultural background? Maybe you saw her in a salsa dance lesson and thought to yourself: “Wow, now she is hot, I would like to date her”. Or maybe someone approached you in Match.com (affiliate link) and you soon found out his race was different, but you thought: “Well, what the heck, why not try it”.

But soon after you thought about it or begun dating, you started thinking about what role will your racial and cultural differences play in your relationship and whether you should consider the other person’s race while getting to know him/her?

So the question remains: should you see race when dating?

My short and simple answer is: of course you should see race when dating.

In fact, if you want to have and create a good relationship it is vitally important that you do. And before you label, judge, or categorize me, allow me to explain further what I mean.

I have heard many people talk about how we are past our racial differences, and that we now can look past our race and should simply respect each other as equal.

And while I agree that it is important that we continue to further the equality of everyone regardless of their gender or racial, cultural, or religious background, it is simply not enough to think that we are now somehow all the same.

And if you want to create a loving and understanding intimate relationship with someone from a different racial or cultural background it becomes that much more important for you to become aware of all of your differences.

The problem with discussing race is that for years racial differences have been used as a justification to discriminate and abuse others.

This history of discrimination and abuse makes it hard for us to have an open and honest conversation in order to learn, appreciate, and understand our racial and cultural differences in a more positive way.

This is the same challenge we used to have with discussing our gender differences. As soon as someone mentioned that the sexes were different, many automatically assumed that the speaker’s intention were somehow to justify one sex to be better than the other.

Fortunately, we have begun to understand that just because men and women are different it does not mean that one sex is necessarily better than the other.

In this way we are also slowly beginning to be able to discuss our racial and cultural differences more openly as well. We are starting to realize that just because we do have racial and cultural differences it does not make one race or culture somehow inherently better than another.

In a relationship, it is only through gaining a deeper understanding of your date’s or partner’s cultural and racial background in a more positive way that true intimacy and connection can be achieved. Unless you feel safe to be yourself and feel understood, it is impossible for passion and lasting intimacy to grow in your relationship.

Now as a disclaimer, of course I am not advocating that everyone should date interracially or be in a intercultural relationship. But if you do, it is important that you become aware of your prejudices and racist thoughts because we all do whether we are conscious of them or not.

Most couples struggle enough in relationships simply to gain positive understanding and awareness of our gender differences. Adding to those challenges the difficulties of trying to understand racial and cultural differences can easily begin to feel overwhelming. More specifically, the real challenge is to understand how people from all different cultural and racial background experience life differently.

But with anything difficult the rewards can be tremendous as well. It is differences that create a passion and interest relationships. It is the differences in our cultures, foods, music, arts, dance, and ways of life that make our world such a rich and exciting place. And by learning to understand someone’s racial and cultural background you will also gain greater appreciation and understanding of your own.

So the next time you ponder whether you should see race when dating, make sure to see it and embrace it with an open mind as it is only by understanding our differences in a positive way that will pave the way for more love and loving relationships in this world.

In my future posts, I will reveal some of my personal experiences, successes, and struggles about interracial and intercultural dating.

In the meanwhile, what do you think? Share your thoughts. Should you see race when dating?


Hey, now that you have taken the time to read my article, please take a little more a make sure to leave me a comment below :) or take a look at some of my other articles here!

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  • sheila chan
    Dear Mikko,

    As a young Asian lady I am struggling to step above some not-so-good image of women who date Western guys with ulterior motives (marriage for comfort; for financial support or to acquire visa & ect.) These then made me feel cautious and awkward to ask for simple favours or to see my special guy take care of the bill on our dinner dates.

    Please help me see things more clearly and develop better understanding of how to place this issue in proper perspective.

    Looking forward again to your wealth of great wisdom.
  • Hey Sheila, I just wanted to say that it is hard to get over stereotypes, but your intentions should be obvious in how you handle your date. As long as you're not acting like you want a sugar daddy, I guess they should know and wouldn't mind taking care of certain things. But those are things that men should do during any courtship, right? Paying for a bill or being willing to help with small things that you honestly need help with. Good luck!
  • sheila chan
    Good day AuntieAnn,

    Thank you for your personal insights and moreso for understanding my "fears" and sentiments here. I am a professional accountant; but I clearly acknowledge my special someone makes a lot more than I do.

    Honest communication is the key here and I can only wish I knew how communicate my thoughts and receive simple favours in a way that would work best for both of our interests.

    Hello Mikko,

    Hope we could hear from a man's point of view here too!
  • I think I've always used a little bit of humor when discussing things like that with a man. I'm also very independent, so most men come to know pretty quickly that I only ask for things I really need their help with. But it's always easier to just say the words we mean than we think when we try to over think them and try to find shortcuts around it. Just say it :)
  • Hi Sheila!

    Yes, some of those stereotypes are really hard to fight and it does not feel good when you face them. I have often dated black women, for example, and especially when I was living in Louisiana I could feel how many people looked down upon me because of it. They did not have to say anything for me to know it.

    I often felt like I was fighting a not-so-good image of a man because I was dating a black woman. And furthermore, my date often felt pressured because she was feeling like she was betraying her race.

    You often have to have a really strong sense of self when you date out side of your race and expose yourself to face the stereotypes of others. Remember that in your heart only you know the reasons you are dating your partner. In the end, all successful people in the world have faced adversity and negative judgments from others to create something beautiful and amazing.

    While it is good to take in consideration how others see you and think about you, don't ever let the negative judgments of others hold you down or keep you from doing what you feel right in your heart.

    Remember that you deserve to be treated with love and care. You are a special young lady and your partner is very lucky that he has found such an enlightened and smart partner. I mean that. I have seen you come to this blog long enough to know that your heart is sincere and I know that in time you will blossom in to become a beautiful and confident woman that I already know you are!

    Wish you strength and love on your journey!
  • *waves* Hi Mikko!
  • Mikko,
    Hey, I'm a long time reader and have kept up with a lot of the helpful articles that you have written. I'd like to ad my opinion of the topic of interracial/intercultural dating. I think that race should be removed from the equation; here's why: race does not at all determine what kind of relationship you will have with a person. Aside from stereotypes, there is no need to believe it. Now, if a man has a preference for blondes, does that mean that all blondes will be self centered in relationships? No. Nor does it mean that any individual of a race or culture will act stereotypically. We should ALWAYS be understanding and respectful of other's cultures, regardless of dating. In this, we should only ever consider race.
    There is rarely a focus on meeting the right type of person; people just aren't asking themselves and being true to what they want in a relationship. Do they want someone who will be a responsible mother or father? Do they want someone is financially responsible? Someone who is laid back, free spirited, Type A...these are all types of things that affect how a relationship works, and all people, regardless of race, carry these characteristics. When you remove race and culture from the equation, you add thousands more eligible singles to your dating pool.
    We are individuals, and I personally want to be addressed as one, and would not want any potential mate to decide the fate of our future based on a physical characteristic or cultural differences. Should a guy from Michigan who's never eaten grits not date a girl from Georgia because she has? That's about how silly it all sounds to me.
    :)
  • Hi Auntie Ann,

    Thanks for your great comment! And thanks for being a long time reader.

    I understand what you mean. You are saying that when you are choosing to date someone you should not prejudge anyone based on their race because it is not a person's race that is the determining factor whether your relationship is going to be successful with that person or not. And furthermore, you are saying that opening yourself to dating people from all different cultures and races you will add many more eligible singles to your dating pool. I agree.

    I also agree with you that for anyone looking to meet the right type of person for them it is important for them to be clear and focused on what it is that they really want and look for in a person.

    I am certainly not trying to say or imply that you should not date a person with a different racial or cultural background from yours.

    My message is simply that the more differences you have with someone the more challenges you are likely to face to learn to understand those differences. And when we are in a relationship with someone with a different racial or cultural background it is important that we learn to understand those differences in a positive way.

    For example, one time I was dating a girl who was from a country in South America and she was always late. Once I realized that her being late was just a part of her cultural and she was not doing it because she was trying to irritate me :), I did not have to take her tardiness personally and I could just have a conversation with her about it and have a more positive understanding about it.

    Furthermore, there are still many people who are not willing to date outside of their race for whatever reason and might judge you for doing it. So it is important that you are also ready to handle the pressures from those who might judge you for dating outside of your race or someone with a different religious or cultural background.

    But my advice in all cases is always to follow your heart and for you to do what feels right to you.

    Have you had any experiences where you have been able to successfully come to understand any racial or cultural differences in your relationship or dating experiences?
  • Hey Mikko! I get exactly what you are saying. However, my experience dating outside my race has not had issues because of cultural misunderstandings; the reason is because I don't fall into many racial stereotypes myself! It's a bit easier for me to avoid this pitfalls. However, I think that these shouldn't be pitfalls in relationships because we should already be getting to know people of different races and cultures. They're already all around us, just stick out a hand and say "hi" :)
  • Hi Dandi! Yes, I completely agree that it is important for us to be open to learning and having conversations from people with different cultural and racial backgrounds. And you must be culturally very knowledgeable to understand people from different racial or cultural backgrounds to not to have had any cultural misunderstandings .

    I think for most people, my-self included, it is often very hard to fully step out of our own shoes and to understand how all of us with different cultural and racial backgrounds often experience the world very differently from one another.

    Thanks for sharing!
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