I Have Cheated In My Relationship, Now What Should I Do?
Are you confessing: “I have cheated in my relationship” and now asking yourself what you should now do? Maybe you are a guy and you feel like you have just woken up from a bad dream and have found yourself now wondering: “Why in the world am I cheating my wife with my co-worker?” Or maybe you are a woman and what started as an innocent friendship with your ballroom dance partner has now turned into a full-blown affaire de Coeur. Whatever the case may be you are now confused as to what you should do next.
Let me just start by stating the truth that unfortunately you are not the only one who has ever confessed him/herself the words: “I have cheated”. Affairs and cheating has been in existence probably from the dawn of relationships.
And while, of course, this is a poor justification for what you have done, it is helpful to realize that there are also many who have cheated, felt their embarrassment, asked for forgiveness, and learned and grown from their experience and went on to build better and more loving relationships based on mutual trust.
So if you are reading this because you are ready to change your ways, keep reading.
And make sure to also read my other related articles, especially my gender specific articles on the subject: “Why Men Cheat” or “Why Women Cheat”. In those articles you will get my deeper dissection and analysis for the reasons why men and women cheat.
But in this article, the question to answer is now that you have cheated, what should you do next?
First, I want to congratulate you that you have already taken the first step by finding this article, which implies that you are admitting that you are confused or at the very least you want to understand more about the subject.
Let me start by asking you this:
Would you cheat him/her if your relationship would be perfectly good, loving, passionate, intimate, and satisfying?
Obviously I am asking this as a rhetorical question since I have yet to meet anyone who has answered yes.
The reality is that people in satisfying, sexually and otherwise, relationships do not see the need for cheating, and furthermore they often fully understand how counterproductive cheating or lying is not only for their love life, but also for their life in general.
I hope you can admit to yourself that one of the fundamental reasons you are cheating is because your relationship and your relationship skills need some serious improvement.
I am assuming you do because I don’t think you would be reading this if you did not.
So now that we got that under the way, what should be your next step?
Are you ready?
First step for you is to take 100% personal responsibility for the relationship that you have created with your partner that you are now cheating.
In other words, the reason you are cheating is because you are not taking responsibility for the problems that you have created in your relationship.
You are cheating because it is easier for you to lie to your partner and to yourself than to actually take responsibility for making your relationship better or to end it with love and good feelings.
I can already hear what is in your mind:
“But Mikko, you don’t understand. My husband just….”
Or
“But Mikko, my wife just does not…”
And granted I agree with you that it always takes two people to contribute to the problems or successes of any relationship.
However, the reality is that by blaming someone else for your problems you render yourself powerless to make your relationships better and continue to remain a mere victim of your circumstances.
And if victim is what you choose to be, then be it, and there is really no need for you to read any further.
However, it is in that instant that you decide to own your own problems and take 100% responsibility for whatever happens to you in your life and not blame others for it that you begin to empower yourself to make your life better.
And this is no different in the case of cheating or anything else that happens in your life.
Are you ready to admit that the reason you are cheating is because you are avoiding taking responsibility for the problems in your relationship?
I sincerely hope you are.
The next step is to take some time to reflect on your relationship. This is very important because all “big” relationship problems always start as tiny unresolved misunderstandings.
The reason you are cheating today is not because something that happened in your relationship yesterday. The conscious or unconscious decision to cheat is the result of the accumulative effect of many unresolved small frustrations, disappointments, and misunderstandings in your relationship.
To begin the process toward healing and building a better relationship you have to first start by identifying the beginning of your relationship problems. There is really no right time frame for when your problems potentially started. It could be that they started ten years ago or just ten weeks ago.
In either case, you start by asking yourself the following questions to guide you toward greater clarity about your problems:
When was the first time I started feeling distant from my partner?
What happened and/or how did you feel about it?
When was the first time I really felt hurt by my partner and we did not resolve the issue? What happened and/or how did you feel about it?
When was the first time I started losing my sexual attraction to my partner?
What happened and/or how did you feel about it?
When was the first time we had an argument that we did not resolve?
What happened and/or how did you feel about it?
When was the first time I started feeling like I could not make my partner happy?
What happened and/or how did you feel about it?
When was the first time I started closing my heart to my partner?
What happened and/or how did you feel about it?
When was the first time I felt like I could not share my-self or my vulnerable honest feelings with my partner? What happened and/or how did you feel about it?
Use these questions simply as a guide. Of course, not all of those questions necessarily apply to your situation. But try to really search for the answers for those questions that do.
Once you identify what happened, the next step is to process what happened by writing a feeling letter about it to yourself. This is a very powerful method to achieve greater clarity, understanding, insights, and healing about.
For an example of how to do it see a one of my personal letters that I wrote to gain greater clarity about my life. While my example does not apply to your situation, by reading about the process you will learn the technique. Once you understand the technique, you can apply it to any challenging life situation.
The only way you are truly going to be able to heal, to ask for forgiveness and to forgive yourself is for you to fully understand what happened. I highly recommend that you try the process above.
And of course, if you need some further help to gain clarity regarding your specific situation, see my relationship and dating coaching services. I wish you lots of love and healing.
Please share your thoughts or ask any questions. Or if you are bold enough confess and share your experiences below if you have you ever had to ask yourself: “I have cheated, now what?”
