When Is The Right Time To Have Sex? My Personal Quest To Find The Answer.
It is interesting to me how I sometimes begin to choose the topics for my blog posts based on the questions that I am personally struggling with in my life.
Or sometimes someone asks a question that seems to force me to become clearer about some personal issue to me that I am either dealing with or have dealt with in the past.
Having said this, it is no different with this post.
Without going to personal details, let me share something with you.
Friend of mine asked me not too long ago whether I thought I knew everything about relationships and dating. My answer to him was affirmed of course not.
In fact, the very reason I wanted to become a relationship and dating coach and writer was because I knew that if I became one, I would learn more relationship and dating skills in the process.
I had realized that many successful people became great at what they did because they started teaching and sharing their ideas with others. This is how I also became a much better salsa dancer.
The number one reason I wanted to become a relationship and dating coach was so that I could eventually become a better husband to my future wife and a better father to my future children in the process of learning and coaching others about relationships and dating.
My point in saying this is also to encourage you to start to discuss, share, and even teach about the topics you read here in this blog with me.
For example, if you see me or someone else in this blog commenting make sure to share your ideas also and join the discussion. By writing your thoughts down to discuss the subjects will force you to also clarify your own ideas and thoughts about them.
Or if you disagree with something, make sure to say it because it will help the original author or commenter to look more deeply in to his/her own message to see if there would have been a better way he or she could have explained his/her message.
Because the truth is that I don’t have the ultimate authority on this or any other subject that I discuss here, only my unique viewpoint and perspective just like you do.
With that said, let’s explore the topic of the day that I have recently been thinking about: When is the right time to have sex when dating?
First let’s first make sure we are all on the same page and clarify that with sex I am talking about the actual act of intercourse and not simply kissing or caressing, etc.
I have heard many answers to this question. For example, I have heard that there is no right time frame, or that it should just happen naturally and organically and you should not think about it, or that it is not good to have sex too early on in a relationship, or that if a women waits too long she may risk losing the guy, etc.
While on some level I agree with all of the above, the only problem with those answers is that I think they still leave you very confused about the subject without offering any guidance to make better decisions for yourself.
So I am going to try to dig a little deeper for some answers.
First as a foundation, I am going to mention that before having sex, especially if you are looking for more than just some fun time, it is important that you have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection with someone.
Borrowing from one good article that discusses when you are ready for sex explains these connections in this way: “Our physical connection is through sex, our emotional connection is through affection, our mental connection is shown through mutual interests, and our spiritual connection is made through acts of unconditional love.”
If you jump into physical intimacy before you have gotten to know the person you are dating and found out whether you have a connection in all of these four levels, it becomes much harder for you to continue to nurture the relationship into the right direction.
One of the biggest problems with sexual intimacy too soon in its most basic level is that men and women often have a different basic hormonal reaction to it.
As Dr. John Gray discusses in his newest book “Venus On Fire, Mars On Ice” sex produces massive amounts of the hormone oxytocin, often named as the love hormone, both in men and women (While Dr. John Gray’s book Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice: Hormonal Balance – The Key to Life, Love and Energy
While oxytocin makes both men and women very happy and satisfied, too much oxytocin in a man’s body actually lower his testosterone levels, which in turn creates a stress reaction in his body. The lower a man’s testosterone levels are the higher stress levels he experiences.
While the anticipation and all of the actions leading to sex is very testosterone stimulating, the intimacy, the act of the sex itself and the consequent release of oxytocin can actually put a man’s body under stress, particularly the lower his testosterone levels are to begin with.
The unfortunate thing about this is that every man’s basic reaction to stress is the well-known flight or fight response.
In relationships what this means is that when his oxytocin levels increases to the point of starting to actually lower his testosterone levels, he begins to feel the need to pull away from her.
This is a basic natural hormonal reaction in a man’s body to increased intimacy.
The problem with this is that women often have the exact opposite hormonal reaction. The more intimacy a woman feels the more oxytocin is being stimulated and produced in her body.
It is oxytocin that lowers women’s stress levels makes her bond. When a woman holds a baby, shares her feelings and thoughts with a friend, or has sex with her boyfriend oxytocin is being stimulated in her body.
Unless she understands that men have a completely different reaction to intimacy it might be very hard for her to understand why he might suddenly want to pull away from the relationship. After all she is feeling the urge to get even closer.
And vice versa, after intimacy it is often hard for a man to understands why women might want to see, contact, or call him even more now, while he feels the need to spend time alone or away from her.
Too much sexual intimacy too soon can then exaggerate these normal natural reactions to intimacy.
This phenomenon of pulling and pushing of what Dr. John Gray calls the rubber band effect in relationships is often very challenging to deal with in a committed relationship and even harder when exaggerated early on in dating.
While there is value to waiting to have sex in a sense of making sure you have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection with someone, what I have recently found even more interesting is another value to waiting to have sex, which is this.
When you sacrifice something and wait to have sex it makes it that much more special. The word sacrifice comes from Latin and literally means to make something holy. When you sacrifice something, like time, you will in effect make the act of sex with your partner more sacred and holy to you.
Now I fully understand that not everyone cares about whether sex needs to be holy or not, but you can also think about it this way.
Look back to your life. What are the things that you value, treasure, and are most proud of in your life? You will most likely find out that it was those things that you sacrificed and worked very hard towards.
No one usually treasures or is proud of something that was just simply handed to him or her. Imagine trying to value a Congressional Medal of Honor without actually having done the acts of gallantry or bravery to achieve it.
So what I have realized is that the real value in waiting to have sex and by taking the time to know someone is not necessarily even in that you make sure that you are ready to have it, etc., but instead by waiting you will actually make your boyfriend or girlfriend more valuable to you in your eyes as a result.
This will not only increase the passion and chemistry between you two but because it is the things we treasure and value the most in our lives that we are most likely also to fight for and protect, it seems it will make your relationship more prepared to stand the test of time when you face challenges and difficulties.
So while this might still not answer when the exact right time to have sex might be for you, I hope you can use it as a helpful guideline to make the right decision about it for you.
So the next time before you plan to have sex for the first time ask yourself: “How much do I really value having sex with my partner and how special do I want the occasion to be?”
Share your thoughts. When do you think is the right to have sex or read one of my related articles: “Do Men Just Want To Have Sex, Should My Decision To Be To Wait Or Not To Wait“?
Note: If you purchase the book Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice: Hormonal Balance – The Key to Life, Love and Energy
