Dating Coach, Relationship Coach, Dating Advice, Dating Tips With Mikko Kemppe

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Dear Mikko,

Seeking clarity in San Rafael

Dear Seeking Clarify,

Thank you for your question. First of all, you are not the only lady who has ever been confused about men suddenly pulling back in their relationship. As a fun fact, if you go to the Ask Mars Venus message forums created by Dr. John Gray (Author Of Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice) the question: “When Men Pull Away?” is actually the most commonly asked question with over 5688 different topics and with a staggering number of over 85394 replies to this day.

This means that from the very small fraction of women in the world who have discovered the amazing Mars Venus forum, thousands of women have asked about this very same question. My point is simply that you are not alone. There is a good reason why this is the most popular topic in the entire Mars Venus forum, much more popular even than topics like sex with only 620 questions and 7020 replies or cheating with 626 questions and 6211 replies.

The truth is that men pulling away can be a very confusing situation often for both men and women. On one hand, men often do not know how to communicate about their need to pull away, and on the other hand to many women his need to pull away just does not make any sense.

Some of the articles that I have written on the topic include: “Should I Text Him”, “Should I Call Him”, or maybe the most appropriate for this question: “He Is Just Not That Into You, Or Is He?” And for a brilliant female perspective that I wholeheartedly recommend on this same topic, please read my good friend Lauren’s articles: “Is He Into Me Or Not?”, “Am I Too Desperate For Reassurance”, or “My Boyfriend Keeps Getting Angry With Me”.

The short answer to your question why a man would generally pull away is that he simply needs his space. You have shared intimate conversations, passionate kisses, and lots of laughter, why wouldn’t he just want to be even closer to me you ask? A guy wanting to pull away is often very hard for women to understand because this type of reaction is completely counter-intuitive to women. All of this intimacy that you have shared with him would only want to make you spend even more time with him. But instead, it feels like he now wants to run for the hills. Why?

First of all, this is completely normal reaction from a guy. You two have had a good time. He says he likes you. I have strong feeling he does. What men often try to accomplish by pulling away is their sense of autonomy and independence. Too much intimacy for men often makes them weak and as a result men lose their sense of self. So ironically, often the more a guy cares about you and feels intimacy with you, the more he feels at times the need to pull away.

My mentor Dr. John Gray (Author of: Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice) explains this concept by comparing men to a rubber band. When a guy is intimate with a woman the rubber band loosens and it becomes limp ☺. This causes us to lose our strength and sense of self. In order for us to feel like we have something to give again we often have to pull away, the rubber band stretches, to then spring back to you with even more force than before.

In his latest book Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice, Dr. John Gray also explains this phenomenon in terms of our hormonal differences. Men and women simply cope with stress and with relationships differently. Hormonally speaking when a man wants to pull away he wants to regain his testosterone levels. Too much intimacy lowers a man’s testosterone levels. Ironically, this means that too much intimacy can actually make a man feel stressed out. It is testosterone that lowers a man’s stress levels (as measured by cortisol levels). The lower a man’s testosterone levels the more he will feel the need to pull away.

Women, however, have a different reaction to intimacy. The more intimacy you experience, the more your oxytocin levels gets stimulated. It is oxytocin that is the hormone responsible for bonding, happy feelings, both in men and women. However, it is oxytocin, not testosterone, that lowers stress in a woman’s body (as measured by cortisol levels).

This is the primary reason why after shared intimacy and good times it is completely normal for you to feel like you want to spend even more time with him, while he is now ready to retreat and pull away. So my advice to you is this. If he has said he likes you, just trust that he is going to spring back to you again when he is ready and be happy to see him when he does.

In the meanwhile, take this time to do something nice for yourself like maybe go shopping or go out with your girlfriends. Join the Mars Venus forums where you can receive support from other like-minded women when your guy pulls away. Or check my good friend Lauren’s Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Mars dating blog for even more help to continue to seek to more positively understand men.

I have feeling he may come back to sooner than you think,

Mikko

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Hey, now that you have taken the time to read my article, please take a little more a make sure to leave me a comment below :) or take a look at some of my other articles here!

• Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus Vs. Marriage And Family Therapy Program
• Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – Soon In Hollywood?