Dear Mikko, Am I Having A Facebook Affair?
Dear Mikko,
I once dated this one guy briefly. I have never slept with him, but there is a lot of sexual chemistry between us. We are now friends. He has a girlfriend, but sometimes we start chatting on Facebook and he is very flirtacious with me. He is very good looking and I know I have a soft spot for good-looking guys. He keeps reminding me how sexy I am and what a great time we used to have together. I feel like the conversations we are having are little inappropriate since he does have a girlfriend. I would like to consider having a relationship with him if he was not involved, but I know he is. Mikko, what do you think I should do, should I break off all communication with him?
Seeking Answers, San Francisco
Dear Seeking Answers,
What a great question. Believe me, trying to figure out where you stand in relationship to your ex or current dates can often feel a bit like trying to balance yourself on a tight rope not knowing which way to walk.
Believe me I have been there. Not too long ago I met this absolutely gorgeous woman through one of my salsa dance adventures. We became friends and shortly after also Facebook friends. I found out that she liked me. I thought great, I was interested in her too. But then I found out that she had a boyfriend. No problem I thought, I told her that it would be best for us to simply remain friends. But then she told me that she would not actually mind if we just secretly had sex together behind her boyfriend’s back. And to make it even more interesting, she suggested that what if we would also ask one of her other hot friends to join us.
My first thought was: “Hmmm… sex with you and maybe also with your friend, well yes that sounds like a great idea?” Then after awhile once some blood had gotten back to my other brain☺, my second thought was: “Well, is this such a good idea after all?” Believe me, I was tempted to continue to explore this type of relationship.
So what did I do? After some time, I realized that in truth I felt like I deserved something even much better. I was very flattered yes. I could have fulfilled a dream that many men is said to have, yes. And if I had been younger and not been clear about what I wanted in life, I would have probably gone for it. But I knew that if I would spend my time and energy with this woman I would not be doing a favor for either one of us.
First, I would be disrespecting her boyfriend. Secondly, I realized that even if I would like to have a relationship with this woman in the future, what would make think that she would not do this with someone else behind my back? And thirdly, I realized that even if I decided to just have some fun and take her up on her tempting offer, I would simply be wasting my time as every moment I would spend with her would be time off from me finding what is really much more important to me at this point in my life, which is to find my soulmate.
So should you brake off all communications? Assuming that he is in a committed relationship and he is flirting with you behind his girlfriends back, then yes, I definitely think you deserve something much better.
So what should you do?
Personally, I still chose to remain friends with this woman. To set my boundary, I simply told her that I thought it would be best for us to remain friends and not have any kind of conversations that she would not want her boyfriend to know about. I told her that it would be best for both of us if we did not see each other.
Some of my friends thought I was crazy ☺, but having lived with my decision, believe me, much better dating experiences have already come my way and I have been very happy with my decision. It is only by respecting yourself that you will teach others how to respect you also.
So my advice to you is this. First find out if he really is in an exclusive committed relationship or if is he just dating? If he is, then really carefully consider if he really is even worth your time to consider building a relationship with?
Either way simply send him a Facebook message that could go something along these lines:
“Hi _______ ! Just wanted to let you know that I have really enjoyed our chats together. I really appreciate all of your compliments and they really flatter me. But I know you are in a committed relationship and I just don’t feel comfortable continuing these conversations behind your girlfriends back. I hope you understand and I hope we can simply remain friends.
I think you are a great guy and I wish you the best!”
Now if he is not in a committed relationship you will give him a chance to explain that you have assumed him wrong. But if he is in a committed relationship, then I believe you have done the best thing not only for you but also for him. By respecting yourself and by realizing you are worthy of an honest, loving, and committed relationship you have taken the first and most important step to attracting that into your life. I believe you deserve it! I wish you the best!
To read more of my thoughts on the topic, make sure also to read my other article: “Should I Date An Already Taken Guy?“
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