Dear Mikko, Why He Does Not Want To Be Intimate With Me?
Dear Mikko,
I vowed to stay Celibate until I found the person I was going to marry. Three years ago I found a great guy who respected my vow. Well, after a few months into dating that vow was broken many times, but we felt guilty each and every time because we made a promise to each other and most importantly with God. Being that we’re both religious we’ve done our best to refrain from being intimate and so far so good.
However, it has now almost been a year since he’s been intimate with me with passion. We used to kiss, cuddle, and caress each other, but not any more. I’ve reached out to him and he claims that he suffers from Adrenal Fatigue and says its not me. He tells me that it is something he needs to deal with, yet he won’t seek help for it. He also says that if we would start kissing that he would be tempted to go all of the way.
We’ve been living together for a year and a half, during that time I feel I’ve been the perfect girlfriend, catering to his needs, doing his laundry, cooking 3 times a day, cleaning,massages etc. But then it hit me, nothing was getting returned to me, so I slowly stopped with all of that, and he can’t cope with the fact that I’ve stopped doing all the “amazing things”. He describes me as being a physically beautiful person with such ugly habits now. My esteem has dropped immensely.
I’m constantly getting complimented from other men but I dont understand why my own boyfriend don’t want me anymore. I used to be a gym rat, but due to a medical condition I had to go on some medication which made me put on around 40lbs. I recently got off of the medication, and I made him promise not to propose to me while at this weight. So recently he’s been telling me that he cant wait forever and that I need to put my health first and lose the weight, which I totally agree.
But I dont know what to think, I feel my weight gain may be just something that completely has turned him off although he swears that its not the weight gain. He just wants me to be healthy, which I feel is sugar coating what he really means. Do I want to stay with someone that doesn’t/won’t love me unconditionally? What if he is being honest… I’m super confused! Help!!
Confused from San Jose, CA
Dear Confused,
I am so glad that you asked this question. First of all, men can be so confusing, you two start off being attracted to each other like two opposite poles of magnets and next thing you know something switches and it seems like everything you do just repels and pushes him further away. You wonder if it is something you did, or that maybe he is mad at you, or afraid that he lost attraction because you gained weight.
I can assure that you based on what you have told me, he loves you, and he LOVES you A LOT! I know that just by hearing that you are probably in disbelief. You wonder how can he love me when he does not even want to be intimate with me like he used to?
This is how. You asked him to respect your vow and he did, which shows that he really cared for you. You guys were having sex, and you decided to stop and he continued to stay with you, which shows that he really loves you. You gained some weight, and you asked whether he found you attractive, and he told you that he still wants to be with you and he still thinks you are beautiful. All of those things means that he REALLY loves you.
So why is he not wanting to be intimate with you still wonder?
Him not being physically attracted to you at this point has nothing to do with him not loving you. The fact that you were passionately together in the beginning means that he was physically attracted to you and something happened along the way. And one aspect to that something in your case was that you two stopped having sex. But believe me, you have the power to turn your relationship by just applying a few little insights.
Let’s start by first understanding what happened in more detail. It is now a scientifically proven fact that biochemically men and women are different and those differences can be found in our hormones. When your guy was courting you, you were something new and different. He was solving a problem, which was trying to became your boyfriend. All of this was stimulating testosterone, gave him energy, and kept him motivated to pursue you and become intimate with you.
It is testosterone that lowers a man’s stress levels and makes him happy and healthy. Once you guys became a couple and he told you that he loves and he committed himself to you, he simply assumed that you trust him that he now does love you. You two decided not to have sex and he honored that. He simply begun focusing on other things like probably work or school while waiting to have sex with you once you became married.
He does not understand how much it means to you to continue to kiss and cuddle even though you stopped having sex. This can actually be very hard for a guy to understand. Hormonally speaking kissing and cuddling does not produce testosterone, it produces oxytocin. It is oxytocin that lowers stress in a woman’s body and makes a woman healthy and happy. This is why you want it so much along with wanting to feel wanted and desired. But as a guy he simply does not have the same need to just kiss and cuddle like you do. He does not see the need for it unless you were going all of the way sexually. The real reason we men are often so motivated to kiss and cuddle in the beginning of the dating period is because we are still simply trying to get to the places you are not letting us go yet 
.
Furthermore, when he says that if you guys were to start kissing and cuddling that he would be tempted to go all the way, he really does mean it. While it might be very easy and comfortable for you to control your sexual desires, this is not an easy task for a man to do. Erection, for example, is not something a guy can easily turn on or off at will with his mind and it is men that get blue balls not women. Believe me, it can be very hard for us men to refrain from becoming fully physically intimate you, especially with someone we really love and care for.
But this does not mean that you can’t have everything you want and desire and even much much more. He wants to make you happy, he just does not know what to do and needs your help.
First, realize that the reason he has not wanted to become intimate with you currently in the way you have expected really does not have to do with your looks. The reason he became so attracted you in the beginning was because he thinks you are beautiful. The reason he continues to be with you is because he really does love you. You doubt his love and don’t feel good because you now feel insecure. You think it is his job to make you feel attractive and happy, but in reality that job belongs to you.
When he describes that you have ugly habits now, it is not because you have stopped doing the things you used to do. It is because you have stopped trusting him that he loves you, you have stopped admiring what a great guy he is, and you have stopped appreciating all of the little hard sacrifices he is making to honor your commitment for each other and to God. Believe me, all he wants deep inside is your happiness.
And what you need to do is to begin following this advice from bible: “Ask and you shall receive”. There is a reason that verse does not go: “He should already know what I want and he should be giving it to me”.
To turn your relationship around, next time he says you are beautiful thank him and trust him that he means it. Instead of doing more things for him, begin asking his help and really appreciate and thank him when he does help you. To learn to do this in a way that works for guys, read my article: “The Secret To Getting A Guy To Do Anything You Want“.
Ask him to cuddle and kiss you more and explain to him how happy it would make you if he did. Tell him something like: “Honey, I know it is really hard for you to refrain from going all of the way when we are just kissing and cuddling and I just want you to know I really appreciate that you have honored our commitment. It has really meant so much for me. But I also miss you so much. I miss being close to you. Would you hold me and kiss me, it would make me feel so good to feel being close to you and held by you?”
Then when he does kiss you and hold you make sure to tell him how much you appreciate it and how good it makes you feel.
Just like you trust God, don’t give up your faith in your man either. I wish you many blessings!
I also want to note that without a doubt the state of our physical health always has a tremendous affect on the success of our relationships and life. It is very important for me to acknowledge that it is also very possible that he does have adrenal fatigue that could contribute to his lack of energy. It could be that your adrenals have burned out also. This is much more common condition today due to the way we live. While drugs can give you symptomatic relief they can never address the real cause of your condition. To learn natural and simple ways to try to prevent adrenal fatigue, to balance your hormones, to rekindle feelings of love and happiness, and to restore health in your body, I would highly recommend for you to buy Dr. John Gray’s new book: Venus On Fire Mars On Ice: Hormonal Balance – The Key To Life, Love, And Energy. You will be glad you did.
And in the mean while, as you wait for the book to arrive, you might also enjoy some of my other related articles like: “Why Men Often Seem Like They Are Unwilling To Help” and “How To Set Limits To His Unacceptable Behavior“.
Popularity: unranked [?]
